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If life was a computer game, I’d hit the reset swicth

by king nothing
I am sick of my life.  The only thing stopping me from killing myself is my cat.  I have promised I won’t leave him.
I am trapped in a life that I never chose for myself.  There is no way out.  I’m tired of carrying on, day after week after year, with no hope for a future.
I have tried everything I can think of.  Everything I can realistically do.  I’m not depressed.  I’m just tired of my life.
Please, don’t anybody give me the usual bullshit that’s found on the internet.  “It gets better”  Really?  It’s been shit for the past 28 years and *really* shit for the past 20.
I’m no wimp, I can tough out most stuff.  But after all this time, I’m starting to wear thin.  Too much pain.  Too much grey, dull, weariness.  I don’t want to go on existing in this hopeless prison.  With a fake smile on my face, pretending I am coping.
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12 comments

distant.road 4/20/2016 - 8:42 am

I agree. “It gets better” is supportive but doesn’t magically charge anything. Even so, I think that a lot of people, definitely here, want to be supportive. It CAN get better… and it often does.

Prioritizing what’s going on and working on it one by one, seeking help when you need it, and adjusting course if/when needed… are things that can help.

Sometimes talking about it helps, too. If nothing else, it can keep things from building up inside of you. It’s been a long road for me and sometimes the best thing I can do is let some of my thoughts have a release.

I see this is your first post here. Welcome to the site.

distant.road 4/20/2016 - 8:44 am

… and I have a comment that went to moderation. You should be able to see it in the Dashboard.

king nothing 4/20/2016 - 1:49 pm

Can’t seem to reply to your new comment in the right place, so I’ll reply here.

Man, I envy you, being on a road trip. I just wish I could take my cat and go. Dunno where, anywhere but my hell (AKA, where I live). I put my hell cos it’s not a mean place but…I have so many shitty memories of it, that for me, it’s hell.

I’m glad you aint homeless though, that would really suck. I hope you’re living in a place that isn’t hell to you. Guys (and girls) need a territory they can feel safe and happy in. Otherwise, we’re like animals trapped in a little cage.

The last time I quit drinking, I was on a trip away (and had the cat with me, lol). I just went cold turkey. Gave me a rotten headache but it was only later that I realized there was a chance it could have made me seriously ill. Going out makes me worse (unless it’s away from my home hell) but I can have a look online for drinking help forums. It just helps to tell people too (when I can) cos then it’s an outlet that doesn’t result in a bottle.

king nothing 4/20/2016 - 9:32 am

Thank you for the welcome! I appreciate it. Lol, well if it does get better, it had better be bloody good when the tide finally changes cos I’ve got years of built up crap that needs the balance of the universe restoring in. Though my cat has probably negated a ton of that already.

I did try thinking hard of my problems (the big ones) and I have 4 that are really f*cking me up. IN a way, they’re all interconnected too. But they seem so unsolvable. And just living with them is killing me slowly from inside. I’ve been sober since July 2013 but I’m worried I’m gonna start drinking again, just to take the pain away. Hell, last night I was looking up drugs online! I guess I was thinking, “Well, nothing else helps and I’m desperate”.

Man, sorry that you’ve been through some shit too. I hope stuff is better (or at least getting better) for you now.

How do I see the queued for mod comment please? I’m new to here and am still finding my way round. I got lost in Dashboard.

distant.road 4/20/2016 - 1:00 pm

Hi.

It looks like my queued comment posted. The spam filter was down for a bit and I think that held it up.

Is there an Alcoholics Anonymous chapter locally that you can attend if you feel your sobriety is at risk?

I think everything of mine is also interconnected, too. It’s like a set of dominos that spread out. I’m trying to work on the major stuff and hopefully it’ll trickle down. I shouldn’t complain about my stuff. I do but I shouldn’t.

There’s some issues going on that I caused and I need to eventually fix. I’m on a road trip now to get some assistance with some of it. Although things have now changed, I made it through a winter without being homeless. It’s something positive.

kamidaka 4/20/2016 - 9:59 am

I feel exactly the same and I understand you more than you think. So I’ll tell you what I did: I set up a date. Choose a date that isn’t near. Stay, live, endure everything until that date. Try to finish everything you’ve ever wanted to do and you can realistically do. Maybe it will make you reconsider, maybe you’ll find something interesting along the way. But it will make you feel better with yourself, I promise. For example, my date is August 15th. When that date arrives, it’s only a matter of yes or no.
You can talk to me whenever you want, I’ll always read c:

king nothing 4/20/2016 - 1:41 pm

Damn, comment went in the wrong place. I’m gonna look an idiot if this one does too.

Nobody has ever told me anything like that before. Thank you, that’s actually really refreshing. Sounds crazy of me but I do wanna choose when I go. No way am I ending up in some shitty old folks home or going off to the hospital where they will kill me just cos I’m old. I’ve had family members say they won’t go in cos “they’ll not come out again”.

I hope I’ll still have my cat by then but if not, mine’s gonna be October 7th, 2025. If not, then it’ll be October 7th 2031.

NoBuddy 4/20/2016 - 12:45 pm

And default settings maybe varies with different computer games. Possible problems may occur due to operating system & hardware limitations. ?

king nothing 4/20/2016 - 1:34 pm

Dude, you’ve totally got it! If I was a computer (I’m so metaphorical today, lol), my OS is screwed and my hardware…uh, older than I’d like but it doesn’t match my OS. Which is one of my big problems. Only 2 friends know of this and one is the same but opposite. We both wished we could exchange our bodies. She wants mine, even though it’s got twice as many miles on the clock.

king nothing 4/20/2016 - 1:39 pm

Nobody has ever told me anything like that before. That’s actually really refreshing. Sounds crazy of me but I do wanna choose when I go. No way am I ending up in some shitty old folks home or going off to the hospital where they will kill me just cos I’m old. I’ve had family members say they won’t go in cos “they’ll not come out again”.

I hope I’ll still have my cat by then but if not, mine’s gonna be October 7th, 2025. If not, then it’ll be October 7th 2031.

nuclearbackpack 4/20/2016 - 1:57 pm

My cat is a major reason for me still being here. Actually I really should be in hospital but I worry about who will take care of her. Crazy isn’t it. One of my many dilemmas.

king nothing 4/20/2016 - 3:06 pm

Cats are just amazing! (Dogs too, really any pet that keeps us going). it’s like, they love you for who you are; they don’t expect you to be something you’re not and don’t care how you look or act. My cat knows when I’m really down; he’s such a lovesponge.

Hospitals suck, I hope you don’t have to go in (unless it’s something that need sorting/can be sorted super quick). I’m not 100% sure but I think…in England, the RSPCA have foster carers who can look after your pet(s) temporarily if you have to go into hospital or a shelter. it would still be horrible to be without them though and my cat is scared of nearly everybody so I have to be there for him.

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