Meant to be dead

So it seems like every time things seem okay then they just go to shit. Today I was driving my car when the engine died, but the car was still going because the speed I was already traveling at. Since the engine died the brakes and power steering went out right before a curve in the road so I had to try and get the car around the curve. I did and I got it stopped. I wish I would have been going faster when it happened so I could have just let the car go and let it kill me.

My job has stopped giving me the hours I need to survive and the job situation where I live is horrible so it’s impossible to find a new job. I’ll probably not be able to afford my horses soon. I’ve been forced to only eat one meal a day and sometimes none because I have no money. My horses are my life and the only reason I’m still alive. If I don’t find a new job soon I will lose everything.

I don’t know why my mind sees it this, but it always seems like I hope it will get better or I try to build something it gets ruined. I want to give up and die so much and I’m really considering it right now. Nothing ever works out for me. I don’t know if I believe in destiny but I’ve always known I would kill myself since the fourth grade, I think the only thing I’m meant to do in life is die which is why nothing ever works out for me. I have no talents and I’m not good at anything and I understand not everyone lives a full happy life and some people die young and miserable. I have access to a gun so maybe it’s finally time to give up on all of it, there’s nothing good in my life anyway.