Long Rant

I’ve always liked this as I find it very true. So if I’m going to tell someone, it may as well be with people who might have similar experiences. My chapter surprisingly isn’t my depression or suicidal tendencies; instead it is my addiction problem. I’ve been exposed to drugs and therefore addiction a majority of my life. My father was a functioning alcoholic, mother has a pill problem and I know she has also dabbled in heroin. Also, my brother started dealing when he was around 16. So I saw first hand what drugs can do to your life. I always told myself I wasn’t going to do anything hard, but no matter what, I would never drink or pop pills. I started off just smoking weed in 8th occasionally with friends since it was in such easy access even in middle schools. The real problem came in during Freshman year. I have always had an anxiety problem but it seemed to slowly be growing more and more severe. My father did not believe in depression and anxiety and thought I was just using it as an excuse to try to avoid school. As a result I turned to self medicating. In the beginning, Benzodiazepines seemed like they were God sent. I did not see this as breaking the promise I made myself as I told myself the doctor would give me this if my dad believed me. But after a few weeks I had blown through what money I had as a freshman with no job, and needed some income. I saw the money my brother could bring in with just weed and I got him to help me get started. My intial plan was only to do this enough to cover my “medication”. Freshman year went by relatively well after that. The summer came and I had so much free time. This was not a good thing for me. I was hanging out with a much older crowd as most of them I met through my graduated brother. Everyone loved to drink, so I tried it. The other half of my promise to myself, also broke. This is the summer I also started selling more than just weed. Percocet, Xanax, acid and weed now became my income. For my age the money was unreal. I started using all the things I was also selling.  This was my life for the next 3 years. I’m a senior graduating in 24 days and I’m still in this same trap. I’ve tried coming off Xanax but the withdrawal is awful. But my drug of choose has become percocets. Not many people realize the severity of my use as I pass of to many people as I’m only selling. When I use I do it alone. But it’s everyday. Odd thing though is I’ve realized when shit is the worst I use alcohol a lot more than usual. Two nights ago I found out my mothers cancer is back and I drank a half liter of Hennessy myself. Unusual as a liter typically lasts me a week as I don’t drink heavily. Just enough to numb myself. But I hope no one read this far as it was a long ramble and I cut out almost 3 years when I realized how long it was getting. But if you did, thank you.