people say its the easy way out but its the hardest choice ive had to make in my life…if i should do it, when i should do it, how i should do it…. ive been like this since 8th grade and now im finishing my freshman year of college.
im not sure why i feel this way. ive tried to make my life better but every time something went terribly wrong and my life got a little worse instead. ill spare you all the details of my life that have led me to this point but ill summarize them just so you can get the gist:
dad left mom for his pregnant gf when i was 5 and my sister was 2. mom is emotionally unstable and uses her 5yo daughter as a therapist. mom starts seeing her boss and he becomes my father figure when my dad stops showing up every other weekend for visits. father figure becomes abusive but mom stays with him 10 years and moves in with him after he makes her financially dependent. dad doesnt pay for anything and i wont see him again until im 18. bullied in elementary school. move towns in time for middle school and lose all my close friends. dont get new friends in school ever again. still bullied in middle school. not bullied in high school im just ignored instead. my best friend my cat maggie died when i was in high school and i never really recovered from that. go to college and i start having fun for the first time in a very long time. fun ends very soon. i fall in love. i move out of dorm because of terrible roommates. visit my bf on break and get illegally searched by a cop and charged with 2 felonies and spent the night in jail. no money for a lawyer. dad doesnt make payments to college so i am now $6k in debt to the college and cant register for the fall. i got raped by someone i thought was a friend. my few friends in college arent friends to me anymore. thats the summary of my life at the moment.
i cant get out of bed most days. ive written suicide notes in my head before i fall asleep every night for the past two years. ive researched the quickest cheapest most painless ways to die. ive researched how to not make a mess when i die and when i clean my room its because im considering offing myself soon. i love my mom and i know she tries to love me. i havent killed myself yet because i know it would devastate her if i died. she is still hung up on my father. he left her 15 years ago. shes so emotionally unstable. but i think i could do it soon since she has a new bf with young kids and hes really wealthy. i dont think id be missed as much now if i did it versus if i did it three years ago. she loves kids.
i do have a boyfriend now. i really love him a lot. weve been together since december and he says he really loves me a lot. he calls me beautiful all the time and he says im the sweetest girl he knows. i love hugging him so much he makes me feel so happy but the most important people in my life always leave me. i dont want to hurt him at all but i also dont want him to hurt me like everyone else. i just think that he deserves someone stable because hes got a lot of his own problems. i want to help him with his problems but i just end up making a mess. he just makes me feel so at peace all the time i love being near him.
i dont have anyone to talk to. ive seen a lot of specialists but nothing worked. i want to kill myself before may 24th and i think i will. just have to figure out how. gotta live the best few days of my life soon so that i can die happily. i just want to be happy. i will say goodbye to my boyfriend and i will make sure that he knows how much he means to me and how much he has helped me in so little time. im so glad i met him i just hope he forgives me for being so selfish.
i used to want to be a writer. i love writing. i miss it a lot. all my teachers told me i was good at it but i never pursued it. maybe i should have. it would have been a good outlet for all of this. anyway i wish you all the best in life and i hope you all find true happiness like i did. thank you for your time.