I apologize for the long post. My story is summarized in the beginning and end of this post. This post turned out to be long because I felt that it was necessary to explain some aspects of my situation.
I’ve always loved life and feared death, so committing suicide was absolutely unthinkable for me. That changed in early July 2015 – when I finally considered suicide as an option for avoiding homelessness or jail in the future. Originally, any suicide that I might commit would take place after my parents’ deaths – and when I had no income and faced homelessness, which I estimated to be 10-15 years in the future. However, since attending a court date yesterday morning, and fearing that I would be issued an impossible probation condition, I’ve feared that I might have to commit suicide within weeks or months – rather than years as I originally “planned.”
I should probably explain how I ended up being open to suicide in the first place. It all started almost one year ago when I was arrested for domestic violence, and I spent a day in jail before being bailed out. My stay in jail was absolutely traumatic for me – especially in the holding cell. I couldn’t do anything except sit and pace the floor. It was so incredibly boring, and I had to sit there so long. It was agonizing. I told myself that I never wanted to return to jail again.
That mindset helped open the door to suicide about a month later. For years, I’ve feared that I would ultimately be homeless because I’ve had a seemingly hard time getting jobs – or even interviews. One day, I realized that, without my parents’ support, I was screwed. Seven years had passed since I graduated high school, and I estimated that my parents would be around for another 10-15 years. That might have seemed like a lot of time, but it wasn’t – considering how fast my years since high school passed. I feared that I would still be unable to find work – and that I would end up homeless, and then, I would go to jail for being homeless. I would be caught in an endless cycle because I would still fail to find work, resulting in me being homeless again, and then, resulting in me going to jail again. And after my experience in jail, I did not want to go back. Therefore, I wanted to avoid it by any means necessary – even if it meant suicide.
I wanted to die happy – and on my terms. I wanted to die – surrounded by my nice, comfortable home – not being anxious and rotting in a jail cell. Therefore, I wanted to preempt any arrest with suicide.
Eventually, I had plans in place that would hopefully help me avoid – or delay – homelessness and suicide. However, I began worrying about my domestic violence case – fearing probation. I feared it for two reasons: a potential no-contact order and being unable to find employment.
I feared that the no-contact order issued in my bond would be continued during probation (rather than reduced to a no-harassment order), and therefore, I couldn’t return home for a year. None of my friends live in the same county as me anymore, so I couldn’t stay with a friend during probation. While I was able to live out-of-county on bond, I might not be able to do so on probation. If I were to stay with a friend in another county during probation, I fear that I would have to prove actual residency there, which would be hard – if not impossible – for me to do so – seeing as how I currently have no job and can’t own or rent my own home, don’t have any regular bills, etc.
I also greatly feared the probation condition that I would have to find employment. While I was glad that the condition said “Work faithfully at suitable employment INSOFAR AS MAY BE POSSIBLE,” and while my public defender said that I could attend school as an alternative, I’ve feared that a probation officer might not share the same view – and insist that I find work – and would then violate me despite my best efforts to find work. I’ve feared that my probation would be extended indefinitely until I found work, and I’ve doubted that I would, so I would be on probation for years until I finally spent the maximum time in jail for my offense after being locked up for numerous probation violations. But I fear that, by then, my family might be gone, and I would end up facing homelessness – and would go back to jail on another charge.
Recently, I had been more at ease about my case. Both my public defender and the victim advocate said that I would be allowed to return home as long as I didn’t have violent or harassing contact, and early yesterday morning, after looking at other cases with as many as 4-5 probation violations online, it didn’t seem that most of the sentences were extended. So I finally started to feel more at ease about probation. I started to think that maybe I wouldn’t be on probation forever.
But then, only hours later, I began worrying about probation again – for a much more serious reason, which I had put to bed long ago. Yesterday, I went to a calendar call and entered the courtroom as the judge was sentencing someone. Unfortunately, I don’t know the details of the case, but it seemed that the person might have been sentenced for drugs and/or shoplifting. The judge said that the person was to have no contact with Walmart – and then ordered him to be taken into custody.
That spooked the hell out of me. I was under the impression that, for misdemeanor violence cases, the courts might be able to only issue no harassment orders as a probation condition. I thought this because, on my sentence recommendation sheet, there were several sentencing options available – many of which weren’t applicable to my case, so I assumed that it was a standard sheet used in all misdemeanor cases. “No violent or harassing contact” was the only option that I saw. So why the judge issued a seemingly total “no-contact” order baffled me. Maybe the judge was just speaking simply – or maybe there was another sheet used for sentencing shoplifters (which I suspected he was since he was to have no contact with Walmart). But, after doing some research, I didn’t think that there were necessarily any different sentencing sheets. The judge issued a total no-contact order against a person even though it wasn’t an option on the sentencing sheet.
That made me fear that, even though the public defender and victim advocate said that I could return home as long as I was non-violent, the judge might issue a total no-contact order against me, anyway, and then, I would be flat-out screwed because, as I said, I have nowhere else to stay in the sentencing county, and if I stayed with friends, then I might have to prove actual residency there during probation. Granted, I don’t actually know that any of this is true, but I’m paranoid because, since I have no income, I’m helpless. I’d be forced into homelessness or violating probation, and I’d have to go to jail – the one place that I never wanted to return.
Ever since that calendar call yesterday morning, I’ve been worried that my probation would be tougher than I anticipated. Although I had kept suicide as an option for the distant future, I realized that, in order to avoid problems with the court, I might have to commit suicide much earlier – potentially within weeks or months. Worst of all is that I have many stories, drawings, and other projects that are unfinished, and thanks to this court case, I might not be able to finish them.
I don’t want to commit suicide, but I am prepared to do so if necessary – as much as I would hate it. I did not want my life to turn to this, but my life was ruined the minute that I was arrested.
To summarize, the main reasons why I am open to suicide are my fears of homelessness and jail. On the other hand, I have other issues that are secondary reasons for committing suicide. They include my lack of ability to find work, my short stature and baby face, my ugly teeth, and my horrible body acne (which I’ve had for almost 13 years and has recently started to spread to my arms and legs of all places).
Maybe if I commit suicide, I can be reborn as someone who is employable, and I can get rid of my crappy body and be reborn in one actually strong enough to resist acne.
I’m not impulsive, but I will commit suicide if I have to in order to avoid harassment from the court. It’s like euthanizing an old, dying dog. Why not put it out of its misery while it’s still relatively healthy – than wait until it’s so miserable that it can’t die in happiness? Still, I want to avoid suicide and hope that my situation works out.