Introducing myself

Hi guys, I am new to this site, came across it while looking for an outlet for my negative thoughts. I struggle to talk to people about how I feel, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to live with the loneliness  of not being able to express myself. My friends are kind. I don’t have many, but the ones I do have I appreciate and are there for me often, but more in terms of meeting up and having fun, rather than being able to specifically talk to them. That’s why I am here.

For many years, I have felt insecure. I was severely bullied for years, from being called names to being hit and followed home from school. This caused me to move schools. Now I am in university, failing my second year, and in need of motivation to do the simplest of tasks like getting dressed and washing myself. Some days I can force myself to move, go to the gym, go into town with a friend. Other days I can’t move from my bed, my hair will become increasingly greasy and my clothes will need washing, but I remain in bed, either not eating, or eating nothing but junk food. I know that’s common with people, and I want to share my story and find some like-minded people.

My biggest problem is my constant anxiety. I have not told my parents how bad it is, and I try so hard to fit in with the fast paced-ness of my university course, and the type of people who are there, but it’s so difficult, as they are very different to me. We do fashion and textiles. Being unable to retain friendships is a big problem, because I find myself scrambling for words to say, and trying to keep a conversation going is virtually impossible. When I started University, I was very excited. I could finally move on from the oppression of school, and be my own person. What I became, however, is the same as everybody else. Well, at least that’s what I attempted. I found friends via the internet, fresher pages etc, and made friends very easily (online, I can be outgoing, almost like a complete new person), but meeting them was a different matter. At first, conversation was easy “So, what did you do at school” “what A-levels did you take?” “How is where you live?” The conversations come easily, because there is so much to learn. Me, I asked the questions, rarely answering them, because I find myself very boring and uninteresting.

A few weeks go by, and I am feeling lonely, distant. I knew a girl from school, the pretty and popular type, but we took the same classes and got along well, and ended up at the same uni, doing the same course. This was great, knowing her made me more confident, because nobody else knew eachother, but we did. I’d like to think that I created that group. All the people, I made friends with, me. I introduced everybody to eachother. However, as the months went by, I was pushed out. Conversations would be dry, with me barely being able to get a word in. They would all go out and I wouldn’t be invited, which hurt like hell when they discussed their fun days in front of me. The collective Birthday presents we decided to buy eachother apparently didn’t include me, and I wasn’t asked to sign the card. Those little things made me feel more alone than the days when I was physically hit and spat upon, because at least then I would know they disliked me, instead of being two-faced. I’m sure it’s pretty relatable, we all have those friends I guess!

I’m rambling now, my point is, I am stuck. My parents, friends.. nobody has a clue. I get emails from my lecturers and even higher up people in the university wondering why I virtually never attend, and I never have a good enough reason. What am I supposed to say, “today I was so down I couldn’t get out of bed, I’m sorry” or “It took most of my strength just to keep myself alive today”? Nope, bad idea, so instead I have to make excuses that are obviously lies and just make me look like a loser.

Anybody else feel this way? I’m struggling with seeing a future for myself. Most people by now have a direction in life, who they want to be in 5-10 years time.. me? I just want to be here. I do. As much as my negative thoughts tell me I am better off not being here, I want to stay, and prove to myself, my school bullies, and the friends who pushed me out for not being like them, that I can be somebody. Hopefully I have found somewhere I can channel my pain and stop bottling everything up.