late night anxiety crap

It seems like every few nights anxiety rears it’s ugly head. I can ignore it for a while until I realize my jaws been clenched so tight my head hurts and I’m getting short of breath. I’ve had the jaw thing going on so long I swear it’s changed the shape of my face.  Anxiety does not discriminate….it can be over something valid like finances or something so damn stupid  (a dripping pipe, that’s tonight) I did everything I could do to remedy the issue but I can’t help but to get anxious. I’ve been to the basement a few times just to keep checking, because we had a busted pipe before and it was terrible. I am thinking this shit in my head borders on OCD. I have rituals before I leave for work and I have missed my bus because of my craziness.  I seriously won’t bore you guys with the details on that because this is supposed to just be about anxiety.  As much as I hate benzos I wish I still had them, any of them klonopin worked best for me but one day my head shrinker decided I didn’t need to be on them anymore. I stopped going. I quit all the crazy pills. I was mad and had experienced bad side effects from a few meds, mostly geodon and another one that off label treats headaches. I was on so many stupid pills at one point I was a damn lab rat and I told them I was just anxious. Not fucking bipolar. I don’t know.  It helps to talk about it here, I don’t have anyone irl who would get it. When I attempt to talk feelings lately I get horribly sarcastic and bitter. That makes me hate myself and everything else. I don’t know what to do. I hate who I’m becoming. All dark and twisty. Nobody gets it.