Wintergirl

Today is my first of two days off. It’s been a long week. Work has me pulling my hair out. Seriously tired of caring so much but nobody else does. I’m worthless.  I planned on getting so much done today. I got some of it done, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. There is still time in the day but I’m drinking now, as is everyone else in my house. I am not a productive drunk. I’d rather just sit around and do nothing once I start drinking. There’s always tomorrow.

I’ve been meaning to log in here for quite a while.  I am finally back. I’ve been lurking for months. My depression has been horrible since December. I’ve missed this place but couldn’t remember my password or even the email address I used here. I blame it on the beer. I figured it out tonight, on the anniversary of when I found this site. Ironic.

I still wonder if twixthisrainbow was really who she said she was, it got confusing. I don’t know if anyone even remembers me, I didn’t post much.  Hope to be here more often.

I don’t post often anymore. But I had to get this out somewhere tonight.

For those of you that do not know, I work as a CNA in a nursing home and love my residents more than life. Every once and a while one comes along that really is special to me. One of which passed away 5 months ago. I still miss her every day. Tonight her daughter came in to visit. I gave her the biggest hug but couldn’t say how much I missed her mom. She said it for me when she said I miss her so much.  She and her family were a part of my life for 4 years. I listened to the same instrumental track over and over during the week she slowly died. I don’t remember much but the sadness then. It was right around the time I found this place.  I felt a part of me dying as I watched her slip away. Before she fell into the coma like  sleep I had one last chance to talk to her. I held her hand and told her with tears I my eyes that I loved her. She said I love you too.  It meant so much to me that her family wanted to make sure I got my chance to say goodbye too. It’s a difficult situation when they are all there but yet you too are grieving and sad. You don’t want to overstep your boundaries. Tonight I guess all the memories came flooding back. I miss her so much.

Just wanted to say I’ve been lurking and barely commenting lately. I’ve had a lot on my mind. Work has stressed me out. I’ve been wishing I had the nerve to reach out to someone. I’m just too afraid.  I hate myself for that. It always seems to  backfire. So I stay where it’s safe. I’ve been so sad and tired lately too. Sick as well. Wishing like crazy I could just die already because I hate feeling so horrible and unable to fix anything.  But at the same time, I wish things could just get better too. That’s life I guesss…

I’m tired of everything.  Work sucks, home sucks. People are lazy. I’m worthless.  Why can’t I just die already?  I am sick to death of living this life where nobody cares and I’m tired of trying to make things better.  I’ve had enough. I told the girl I’m working with that she’d be lucky if I came back from break. In all actuality I’m cutting my break short because I know she’s not going to have anything done and as usual I will do fucking everything.  I really hate this, I’m not at work to tell my coworkers what to do.  Well. Venting helps atleast cause I’m ready to go off on the next person who looks at me funny today. God help them.

Listening to the long instrumental track  I listen to when I’m down. This bus is full of happy, laughing people.  It’s Friday afterall. I just want to cry. I’m so alone. I guess if I hadn’t been feeling so damn sick the past few days I’d feel happier too. Fml. I wish I had called into work today.

I’m “running” a 5k. I say it that way because I’m going to be both running and walking.  It’s not a big official race so it’s ok if some walking is involved. It’s a fundraiser for my place of employment.  I am doing this because I want to challenge myself to get it done in 36 minutes and to qualify for a walking wellness program.  The walking program is a challenge to get 900,000 steps in 90 days. 10,000 a day. I’m really thinking it will be easy considering I get at least 7,000 at work everyday, plus I  walk to my bus stop and walk up the long driveway and can walk an extra mile on my lunch break if need be or skip one leg of my bus route walking to the transit station, 1.4 miles. I’ve had days before where I logged 20,000 steps, working out before work. Whoever makes the goal gets some pto and gets to keep the fitbit that tracks your steps.

I  got this.

https://youtu.be/zSmeqrSH6xg

I don’t know why I did it. My arms hurt. I did great otherwise today,  got 2.4 miles in walking. Ate well. My moods been on edge all day. I started picking at first, an old scabbed bug bite, not enough. Now I’ve fucking scratched up and bruised my arms. I am glad I didn’t cut, but I’m not ready to have to explain any of that. The temptation was strong, too strong. I haven’t had a problem with that in at least 10 years.  My anxiety is so bad. I need to drug myself to sleep soon so it will stop. I hate even mentioning all this because I’m usually able to keep it under wraps.  Not today. I feel so damn weak. I’m hoping the urges will lessen soon tonight because I can’t handle it. I’m definitely not in any danger so don’t worry about me. Just had to get it out somehow.

This is hard for me to do, help myself. I don’t want therapy, I don’t want meds. I am responsible for my own well-being, and I need to do things to help myself.

I’m planning on upping the exercise for one.. I’m so out of shape compared to the time when I worked out all the damn time. But I can walk, one foot in front of the other. I can choose to walk a mile and a half every day I have to work from my house to the bus station and skip one part of my bus transit. I did that today and walked a lot more, 2.4 miles. It sounds like nothing really but it all adds up and I hate myself for being so damn lazy. I know I could just skip the bus completely and walk the 3 miles to work every day but I really enjoy the time I spend with one of the drivers, she makes my day. She doesn’t have to remember how I hadn’t been feeling well or tell me she missed me when I hadn’t been on her bus in a few days. I  thrive on those sorta interactions. It makes me want to keep on pushing forward,  you know?

Another thing I’m trying to do is eat better,  more fruits and veggies, less processed shit.  As a recovered anorexic, this is tricky. I am 50 lbs up from my lowest weight and I feel horrible. I am scared that I could end up back in that mindset and part of me really doesn’t care…i starved for so many years, sometimes I really miss it. I miss the control I thought I had and all the bones. I don’t miss almost passing out every time I stood up and freaking the fuck out over what the hell I was going to eat. So, this is tricky ground.

I also want to get back into my art and crafty creations.

The point of all this is, I need to make changes and I need to make them sooner than later because I’m not getting any younger.  I miss a lot of who I used to be. Tired of who I am now.   I hope it all works out.

I’m sitting here trying to relax after a busy work day. Lots on my mind. I’m tired too and a little hungry, don’t have the energy to make anything to eat though.  I’m really just tired. Tired physically and tired of dealing with crap everywhere I go.  We have a big mandatory work meeting next week and I’m less than thrilled I’m going to have to spend an extra two hours at work that day. I really need a real vacation and have enough time saved up for it but don’t know what I would even do with the time.  I know I should just take some time off regardless though. I work with people, caring for them and it’s definitely challenging. Every day is the same crap. I sometimes wish I worked in a factory because machines don’t talk back and act out. The job I do has been 12 years and I know if I left this job I wouldn’t do it anywhere else because I’m getting burnt out. I lost a few very special residents this year so far and I miss them every day. I have my crafty stuff I do, making jewelry and crochet and would love to make some sort of business out of it but everytime I try is never really pans out. My body is falling apart from all the lifting over the years and my mind is fryed from  dealing with crazy people day in and day out. Not to mention in the next year or so my area is going to dramatically change because it’s all about greed and money not the people who are forgotten.  I am really bitter over what’s going to happen to my little area. It’s just sad. I feel too much I guess and just am sad. I feel my general attitude slipping because moral in general among the other long term coworkers is slipping, management does not care. We were told to quit crying in so many words. I don’t know the point of this but Phantom  and Cordless told me no post is invalid and to never feel bad for posting something and this is definitely something I would have normally typed out and deleted because I just thought it was stupid. Ok, done rambling.

Between being friendly and wanting to be friends?

The reason I ask is because there’s someone in my life who I’ve known for a while, 8-9 months and we can easily have conversations and this person is always definitely friendly.

I would say I want to be friends but being the mostly antisocial freak that I am I don’t know when people actually want to be friends with you too. I’m also too old to be obsessing about stuff like this. I enjoy talking with her though. I know I could just take it as it is and see what happens. Other than that I’ve got nothing.

I have felt my anxiety getting worse all day long… I know if I distract myself it helps. So my question for whoever reads this is, what’s for dinner or whatever meal is close for you? I cooked up some burgers and homemade steak fries tonight. Damn they were good. I am still anxious but my hopes are that all the beer I’m downing will numb it all away when I hopefully pass out soon.  Cheers!

Just deleted everything I just wrote, it sounds so petty and stupid. Somebody come cook these burgers I have no energy left for anything but sitting on my lazy ass.

And drinking beer. I live for this shit.  Hopefully everyone is enjoying their day the best you can. It’s a warm one here but I’m sitting outside enjoying the day the best I can.