No rants today for a change, just stuck inside of my mind. The one place I despise the most. I wonder why there are people in this world that want to live, but die. There are people in this world that want to die, but yet they live. That’s seems cruel to me sometimes. I know for myself it has been a constant struggle, trying to keep it together for the people in my life, especially when I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to deal with my so-called ” mental illness “. As a child I obviously didn’t know what was going on, and sometimes I still don’t as an adult lol. I do know that the self hatred has continued to grow and age with me. Everything and everybody that I loved most in this world is gone, and how I wish I could be with my son. Just to be able to see him smile again and not just in a picture, to hear him say ” it’s ok Pop’s, everything is gonna be ok “. And even though my other kids have moved on with their own lives and don’t have anything to do with me anymore. I still have my youngest daughter, and as much as I hate this miserable existence, I have to keep going for her. I only get my little angel on the weekend, and it hurts so bad every Sunday when I have to drop her off and tell her goodbye again. Then I get to be alone with ( ME ) like I am right now. Somewhere between heaven and hell. Unfortunately it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other people that are in their own personal limbo. And in a world as advanced as the one we live in, there’s no help.