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utter turmoil

by 4beyondhelp

this has been the most emotionally exhausting day of my entire godforsaken existence. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I’m just crying and crying. I’ve got the absolute worst headache from having 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of crying. This just fucking sucks ass.

I had to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming. She says she thought I was the one thing she got right in her life, but apparently I’m not. So, great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I have ruined my mother’s life and all this without her even knowing I’m suicidal. she asked why I would even tell her if there wasn’t anything I wanted her to do and since as far as she knows this phone call was my idea, I said what the counselor said, which is just that as a mother it was the kind of thing she would want to know.

She is so disappointed in me. I can hear it in her voice. I ruin everything. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

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Papermoon 5/2/2016 - 10:50 pm

The first step in getting better is reaching out. The fact that you told someone about your personal demons and about your self harm is a huge step, even if your mom doesn’t see it. Your mom quite honestly seems to not understand anything about the situation in the slightest based on what you have said. For you to have the courage to reach out, I applaud you.

You have not ruined everything. Absolutely not. You have made an attempt instead to better yourself and the way you live. If you’re looking for advice, I would maybe distance yourself from your mother for a bit as she sorts out what you have told her in her own mind. For her to have said those words to you, she must have her own demons as well.

Please don’t feel so badly about reaching out to others. So your mother didn’t take it as well as you might have thought; That’s okay, because you took a leap of faith. I encourage you to find solace in a more understanding and caring friend, or someone who has gone through what you have.

I wish you all the best

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/2/2016 - 11:21 pm

I am so sorry your mother isn’t supporting you the way she should. The hardest thing I had to accept about my parents is there utter humanity.

youtube.com/watch?v=ez-oEsg1uw0

I don’t know if you like acoustic guitar. Or sitar inspired guitar playing. But with the lights off and my eyes closed I’m next to the river. My hand is in his and the smell of wet rocks is pungent.

You can walk forward. Just start walking. The morning mist will clear and you’ll look back and today is so far away, the colors are muted and grey.

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