I don’t want to live anymore

I guess I should start from the beginning. I am 17 almost 18 and have a brother who is 16 and a sister who is 20. My life sucks is complicated and somewhat confusing at times.

I was adopted when I was 4 by a family who we were all happy to be part of. I was adopted because my parents did drugs and were nearly always unconscious. We were malnourished and my sister was looking after us. So I guess the positive was we got a new family and well that’s where things were supposed to get better but in fact things somehow got worse.

My brother started to get in trouble at school and got expelled at the age of 6. He continued to struggle at school and by the age of 11 had been expelled from 3 schools! During this time I was at high school and always seemed like a lovely, bright, bubbly kid. But I hid a secret from my friends, I was struggling. When I was at home my brother often kicked off and would beat me up. Meanwhile when things got rough my mum turned to me to sort things out to comfort her and calm down my brother. Then if things could get any worse they could. My sister got into the wrong crowd at school and started smoking and drinking at the age of just 12! She had always been a troubled child but never showed it. She gave up in school and failed her GCSE’s, and on top of that she became violent and aggressive at home. She also started getting in trouble with the police for Arson and shoplifting. My mum and dad then devoted their time to getting my brother into a new school and trying to get my sister support.

In all of this I kept quite I didn’t tell anyone how much I hated going home, what actually went on. How I felt when my mum leaned on me. Soon things got worse my sister continued to be violent and left home at the age of only 15! Little did we know that she was struggling to deal with things that happened to us before we got adopted and she had developed depression. So mum and dad once again turned to getting help  for my sister.

It was about this time that I started to really struggle with the situation at home, but I still didn’t say anything cause my mum and dad were dealing with everything else but soon I felt left out as if I didn’t exist. Some days my mum forgot I was even at home until I asked what was for tea. At this time I was in high school and little did my parents know that everyday I was bullied, or referred to as the yr7 who got expelled sister. I often went to my parents for help only to be welcomed with ‘ not now’ or ‘bit busy atm’ or ‘ I am not strong enough. After my sister left things got worse. My brother was diagnosed with executive functioning disorder which meant he struggled with handling frustration, starting and finishing tasks, recall/ follow simple directions, plan/ organise or self monitor.

Then something none of us saw coming happened, my brother ended up in hospital for beating himself up and attempting to strangle himself. He had to be held down by 8 paramedics an image I have never got out of my head. This happened 2 times. Both times I went to school the next day because I couldn’t handle my mum turning to me and using me as her leaning stick or take her anger out on me just like my brother and my sister had. After my sister left school the rules at home became worse, weeks/ months of pocket money taken away, no tv, computer etc. We lived in the middle of nowhere so it became hard to actually go anywhere. Music however was my best friend it comforted me when I was struggling but then my mum started taking it off me and I hit the roof. When me and my brother kicked off my mum would lock us out of the house for up to 5 hours once for 7.

My grades at school started to slip as I couldn’t concentrate at home, due to my brother always kicking off and then turning on me and I would have to deal with him and then go and comfort my mum. I barely ever got to go to see friends as my mum would take her frustration out on me which I would react to and then get punished. So I started to stay after school so I could focus on my work and funnily enough my grades got better. But home continued to get worse I could no longer pretend that I was okay or that I was happy. So my anger at home got worse and mum started calling the police on me. The first time cause I pushed a bowl of cereal off the kitchen table, second cause I trashed my room, third cause I accidentally kicked my mum and the 4th time cause I threw a waste paper basket. She then started using the police as a threat whenever I was annoyed or when I left the garden.

Then in my last year at high school my sister took an overdose and went into hospital for 4 days as she took 30 tablets. It nearly killed me seeing her there she was like a mum to me. She said she was gonna walk out and didn’t care if she bleed to death. I have never managed to get this image out of my head. I went to school the next day as I was doing my GCSE’s. Things at home just got worse and worse and I finally started to express how I felt but my mum said I didn’t feel like that and it wasn’t true and when I cried she told me to stop self pitying.

Then the summer I finished high school my mum started to take my bedroom door of me as punishment for slamming my door. I had lost my privacy as well as basically being prisoner in my home and being treated as n a 10 yr old. My mum always had to be right though we were all wrong and she was always right just because she was a grown up.

I had developed depression as well by this time and started self harming as a way to release the pain. And eventually by the end f that summer at the age of 16 I had had enough and ended up taking an overdose. Saddest part my mum didn’t believe I had taken it that I was just an attention seeker. I didn’t go to hospital the doctor advised I ate something which in the end I did. Mum still didn’t believed I had done it which made me mad.

In September 2014 I went to a boarding school, I loved it but felt out of place everyone was so much more grow up than me as my parents had basically stopped me from growing up. I started at Wymondham as a happy girl but soon could be who I was not pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I found focusing on studying hard when home was falling apart. Soon I ended up being sent to my aunties in Portsmouth cause my mum and dad couldn’t handle me. I got social workers involved but it made the situation worse mum had a go at me every weekend an asked me to apologise which I wasn’t going to.

I struggled with boys as well at school they used my vulnerability to their advantage. I finally left school in easter and moved into a flat which I enjoyed and a boy I had, had a crush on for 7 months asked me out. So things were looking up my relationship with my mum improved, however the past I hadn’t sorted out so I couldn’t put it behind me. Then 4 weeks ago I got dumped, we had slept together 2 times and he said he loved me and I loved him and cared for him, he was also my best friend and all of a sudden I had lost everything again. Home was still to stressful to go to so I stayed at the flat but became lonely and hurt, confused, misunderstood, used so much that I just didn’t want to live anymore so I took an overdose and had paramedics and police looking after me and then went home. But a week later I still didn’t want to live so ended up in hospital after taking an overdose from there I went into foster care and am now a looked after child. My parents want no contact with me, I am miles away from my brother and sister. My sister doesn’t want to talk to me. Its my brothers bday tomorrow and I wont be able to be there.

I have lost everyone and everything I cared for. I cant do it anymore I have tried to keep going but now I have no purpose. No job, no family, nothing.

I am going to my prom next week but then I am done

I am going to leave this world