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Wish i was dead. No joy left…

by johnwhogivesashit

Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been seen by the cops. Anyway took a shitty deal. So guess what yep. I did it. I home invaded this piece of shit former friend. He robbed me 4 grand and 3 months later i go to confront the shit and he wont even open his door. I didnt plan on doing what i did. It pissed me off so much the coward wouldnt even come out. He steals my 4 grand and goes and buys fucking coke. Before i even thought about it i had kicked his door down and was punching him in the face again and again. The satisfaction of beating his ass just has no compare. Better than sex. I broke my hand on his face. It was all worth it. If i had it to do over id probably kill the worthless piece of shit. Treat somebody as a friend for over 5 years and they do that shit and laugh at you. Damn straight. Anyway went to jail after he called the cops. That was shitty. Get bailed out and they didnt have shit for evidence just this dicks story. Anyway was out for about year and 3 months fighting it. They revoked my bond cause i was smokin weed. Just cant stop myself. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead. So they sent me back. Got totally fucked over in jail. They tossed me in the hole for a month spent 3 more there so like 4 months total in jail. How sad is this i actually liked the seg better than regular jail. Regular jail has lots of stupid rules and guards that fuck with your mind for fun. In seg they basically let you do whatever you want. Feel like banging on your door all day and night ? Go for it. Want to sing loudly ? Go for it. Never get out of bed to clean up your cell? Sure. Lol what are they going to do put you in jail? It was like being a monkey in the cage. Set off the sprinkler 5 times a day and flood the pod? Why not. There was something honest about it. It wasnt the mind fuck of regular jail. No hope. Thats whats great about seg. No hope. I went on hunger strike and demanded steak every day. Didnt eat for 14 days straight. Then i stopped drinking too. Why? No clean cloths. Yep they took my cloths. Left me with one pair for 8 days. Plus no showers. Started eating again. My teeth were starting to get loose and hurt like hell plus nails were peeling back. They were totally going to just let me die. I settled for a shit deal. Well not that shit. Plead guilty to criminal damage to property and get second chance felony probation. 2 years 200 hours community service.then it all gets wiped like it never happened. Hows that for justice. I bust into a dudes house beat his ass in front of his girlfriend and she comes at me with a maglight flashlight and i grabbed that from her and beat his face a good couple times with that too. He deserved it but still. They let me walk on that kind of shit ? Its all about the money. They want their fucking money there was about 3000 in fines and bla bla. Took that out of the bond plus 10%. So 4000 bucks. Ive been out since feb 17th couldnt take seg. They broke my soul in there. I thought i could do this. I cant i hate my life. Im not even a person anymore. Ive been smoking weed. Pretty stupid right. They can violate me now and sentence me to 1-3 yearz jail and perm felony. Im a second class citizen. I have to go see this dick every month. They havent tested me yet but im pretty much screwed. I have to go in on june 1st. I only lucked out last month cause there was a stand in guy and the month before he wanted to test me but forgot at the end. I just wish i was dead. Without smoking weed i just cant manage my depression. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead all the time. Damned if i do and damned if i dont. Ive gained a bunch of weight stress eating. Feel like total shit. If i had to go back to that hell hole i think ill have to kill myself. Its just not any form of living i want to be around for. Its existing. Thats what this 2 year probation is. Felon so basically unemployable. Totally broke. Food stamps medicaid and free gov cellphone. Theres just like nothing worth living for. I cant wrap my head around the reckless hate in the world. Maybe thats why i fuck myslef like this. I just cant accept them running my life. Fuck their casino. You cant fire someone that already quit. I gave up a long time ago before my life really was total shit. Now that it is im too ***** to do it. Should have done it years ago. Hows that for lifes biggest regret: wish i had committed suicide years ago.

Yours,

Totally fucked

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playdead4fun 5/22/2016 - 5:18 am

Hi
finally s.o. with real problems like me! I mean not only internal problems but external ones which are out ot our control and imposes a lot of pressure and rules over you.
man…try to take sleeping pills for a week before your exam. You can get high and be approved in that shit. Then you smoke weed again.
or try to get a prescription with your doctor so you will be allowed to smoke weed if not you are completely depressed! Find an excuse and fuck the system!
about your story, i could feel here your satisfaction beating that asshole. I always wanted to punch s.o. like that kkkk
sorry about my shocking sincerity!

Right now i could punch a dozen till death…a dozen cowards

johnwhogivesashit 5/22/2016 - 1:45 pm

I promised the piece of shit he would pay if it cost me triple. I don’t make threats just promises. Lol. Bitches get stitches and snitches lay in ditches. Fucking snitch. His story to the cops with that his brother robbed me and he doesn’t know why I beat his ass. What a *****. Worthless excuse for a human being. Who tosses their own brother under the bus? BTW they picked up his on the run brother about 10 days after he told them this and he had been running for like 3 months. There really isn’t much to do. They watch your dick when you piss. Pretty much fucked. Don’t have anyone that has clean piss even if I wanted to sub it. I’m going to not smoke till the first get up and drink like 2 gallons of water and piss a bunch before. Plus drink like a monster or 2. Enough vitimin b to turn the piss yellow as fuck even if it’s super diluted. Maybe I’ll pass. It’s not like I’ve been burning every day. They do some dip stick cup test thats cheap. I passed the first piss test out on bond when I had smoked the week before doing that. Failed hard on the next 3 ones that’s why they revoked my bond. Judge Levitt said I can’t follow instructions and I’m a flight risk that’s why he sent me back to jail. He warned me and I still showed up. Had none of my shit on me cause figured he would do it. He sent some ***** back 6 months cause she didn’t call in by like 3 hours on the last week of a 2 year whatever cause her dad had just died. She cried while he lectured her about court responsibilities and how her dad dying wasn’t an excuse. If I fail that prick could resentence me…

johnwhogivesashit 5/22/2016 - 1:53 pm

Illinois doesn’t give u medical unless you are like terminal with less than 6 months to live. Even then probation says nope it’s not a legal drug you get a walgreens. Better go get some highly addictive shit like benzos and Vicodin

playdead4fun 5/22/2016 - 2:10 pm

Ok then…try these medicine!
Don’t let things get worse for you. You have been fucked enough by that asshole.
Defend yourself in the way you can. Don’t be caught in the exam too. Be calm and think.

I’m like you I do not make threats because if I threat it’s a promise 😀

johnwhogivesashit 5/22/2016 - 2:17 pm

I’m a laid back guy. A stonner if you will. I never fucked anybody in my life that didn’t try to fuck me over first. It’s not even about the money. It’s about that fact he thought he could just Rob me and get away with it and laughed at me for treating him like a decent person for years. Now he’s got a fucked up face ?? forever

soulsister 5/22/2016 - 6:59 am

Yeah fuck that shit having to stop smoking weed. I totally feel your pain. Is the drug test a piss test? Just hide a hip flask of some good male or child’s piss in your jocks and tip that into the cup. Even if you got to do it in front of them just demand your privacy by at least turning around. I know people who do this and they still got there jobs. There’s also stuff you can buy from a chemist/ drugstore that claims to clean you out and pass drug tests in 48 hours. Do a bit of research so you don’t get caught fuck going to jail don’t just fail.

ZeldaSky 5/22/2016 - 7:31 am

I don’t smoke weed, but I have a love-hate relationship with benzos. Being on them long term has screwed up my health, so I’ve tried to quit. But when I do, my depression and anxiety come back a hundred times worse. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

johnwhogivesashit 5/22/2016 - 1:51 pm

I love Xanax. I had an ativan script for a while that was great. I totally get it. Everyone should have one. I only got off those from 4 months in jail not getting any of my scripts. I was on ativan adderral and welbutrin and they didn’t give me shit in jail. I was like retarded for a month couldn’t remember the beginning of my sentences. It’s all posion. Wish weed was legal it’s all I need to stay on task.

playdead4fun 5/22/2016 - 2:13 pm

I smoke weed.
People make too much fuss about weed.
(Ignorant pussies…& hypocrites)
Weed is much better than a lot of official medicine and who smokes weed bothers no one else!

johnwhogivesashit 5/22/2016 - 2:20 pm

I used to smoke weed every day. The one day I didnt I went and beat this dude’s ass with his own flashlight. The world would be a better place if everyone smoked a bowl before confronting situations.

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