Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been seen by the cops. Anyway took a shitty deal. So guess what yep. I did it. I home invaded this piece of shit former friend. He robbed me 4 grand and 3 months later i go to confront the shit and he wont even open his door. I didnt plan on doing what i did. It pissed me off so much the coward wouldnt even come out. He steals my 4 grand and goes and buys fucking coke. Before i even thought about it i had kicked his door down and was punching him in the face again and again. The satisfaction of beating his ass just has no compare. Better than sex. I broke my hand on his face. It was all worth it. If i had it to do over id probably kill the worthless piece of shit. Treat somebody as a friend for over 5 years and they do that shit and laugh at you. Damn straight. Anyway went to jail after he called the cops. That was shitty. Get bailed out and they didnt have shit for evidence just this dicks story. Anyway was out for about year and 3 months fighting it. They revoked my bond cause i was smokin weed. Just cant stop myself. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead. So they sent me back. Got totally fucked over in jail. They tossed me in the hole for a month spent 3 more there so like 4 months total in jail. How sad is this i actually liked the seg better than regular jail. Regular jail has lots of stupid rules and guards that fuck with your mind for fun. In seg they basically let you do whatever you want. Feel like banging on your door all day and night ? Go for it. Want to sing loudly ? Go for it. Never get out of bed to clean up your cell? Sure. Lol what are they going to do put you in jail? It was like being a monkey in the cage. Set off the sprinkler 5 times a day and flood the pod? Why not. There was something honest about it. It wasnt the mind fuck of regular jail. No hope. Thats whats great about seg. No hope. I went on hunger strike and demanded steak every day. Didnt eat for 14 days straight. Then i stopped drinking too. Why? No clean cloths. Yep they took my cloths. Left me with one pair for 8 days. Plus no showers. Started eating again. My teeth were starting to get loose and hurt like hell plus nails were peeling back. They were totally going to just let me die. I settled for a shit deal. Well not that shit. Plead guilty to criminal damage to property and get second chance felony probation. 2 years 200 hours community service.then it all gets wiped like it never happened. Hows that for justice. I bust into a dudes house beat his ass in front of his girlfriend and she comes at me with a maglight flashlight and i grabbed that from her and beat his face a good couple times with that too. He deserved it but still. They let me walk on that kind of shit ? Its all about the money. They want their fucking money there was about 3000 in fines and bla bla. Took that out of the bond plus 10%. So 4000 bucks. Ive been out since feb 17th couldnt take seg. They broke my soul in there. I thought i could do this. I cant i hate my life. Im not even a person anymore. Ive been smoking weed. Pretty stupid right. They can violate me now and sentence me to 1-3 yearz jail and perm felony. Im a second class citizen. I have to go see this dick every month. They havent tested me yet but im pretty much screwed. I have to go in on june 1st. I only lucked out last month cause there was a stand in guy and the month before he wanted to test me but forgot at the end. I just wish i was dead. Without smoking weed i just cant manage my depression. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead all the time. Damned if i do and damned if i dont. Ive gained a bunch of weight stress eating. Feel like total shit. If i had to go back to that hell hole i think ill have to kill myself. Its just not any form of living i want to be around for. Its existing. Thats what this 2 year probation is. Felon so basically unemployable. Totally broke. Food stamps medicaid and free gov cellphone. Theres just like nothing worth living for. I cant wrap my head around the reckless hate in the world. Maybe thats why i fuck myslef like this. I just cant accept them running my life. Fuck their casino. You cant fire someone that already quit. I gave up a long time ago before my life really was total shit. Now that it is im too ***** to do it. Should have done it years ago. Hows that for lifes biggest regret: wish i had committed suicide years ago.