Hi, i am 19. I have been suicidal for about 2 and a half years now. I have been a cutter…the first time i ever cut myself was grade 9(15 years old).
It was actually an accident the first time because i got really angry and i happened to have a scizzors in my hand and when i get and i hit things, so without thinking i hit the open scizzors on my arm. I did this once, saw the blood, felt..wow.. And did it two more times… There are times when i still feel the urge to cut, but it doesnt control me anymore. I will admit that the last time i cut was about two months ago…
I cut because it replaces my feelings of anger and pain with numbness… I found myself smiling after i saw the blood start to ooze out of me… It was like a drunk feeling… It was a beautiful feeling. I stopped because i realised that it may have made me feel better in that moment, but it made me feel worse about myself in general… I felt angry because i am so self concious already, yet im making myself uglier by making scars. People dont like flawed skin…i couldnt wear what i wanted because my arm was all “lined up” and that made me angry because i already had morning crying sessions, getting angry and not knowing what to wear .
…you see i was also fussy about where i cut. Some people can cut their thighs and it would be the same as cutting their arm. The only place i can cut to feel that adrenaline is on my left arm.(left arm because i am right handed)…weird. I wouldnt take those scars away though because for some reason they have sentimental value to me… They are apart of me now.
When my parents found out that i cut, they were really angry and didnt handle it well but anyways… One thing they did say that helped me is that i must stop hiding my scars under sleeves. I have nothing to be ashamed about. So what? I have scars on my arms… What is the big deal?
5 comments
Hi SpiritualFire 🙂
I agree with you – you shouldn’t need to feel like you have to hide your scars. It’s a difficult thing for people to understand and there are always people who don’t react well to it, but it shouldn’t make anyone ashamed. I’m glad the urge doesn’t control you in the same way anymore. Even if it happens again, gaining more control over it is something to be proud of. It isn’t easy when the urge is so strong. I’m sorry you’ve been suicidal for so long. Did anything happen to trigger it?
Haha thanks for commenting… Well I guess alot has triggered it. Mom had a drug and alcohol problem and I stopped living with her at seven years old. I now live with my uncle and aunt who don’t drink or do drugs.pubery has a role in it I guess but I recently went to the doctor and she gave me medication for bipolar disorder (my brother has bipolar so she said I have a 50% higher chance of having it aswell) which I think I may do because I feel better on it… Uhm but I decided to take two a day for longer just to make sure it works for me before I upscale more… I think ILL understand better why I am or was or could be suicidal as I post more stuff…. But it’s mostly to do with the past that I need to get over and accept… Haha I can’t actually put this into logical order and I don’t know how to end the comment Haha
Hi SpiritualFire 🙂
I agree with you – you shouldn’t need to feel like you have to hide your scars. It’s a difficult thing for people to understand and there are always people who don’t react well to it, but it shouldn’t make anyone ashamed. I’m glad the urge doesn’t control you in the same way anymore. Even if it happens again, gaining more control over it is something to be proud of. It isn’t easy when the urge is so strong. I’m sorry you’ve been suicidal for so long. Did anything happen to trigger it?
Im 19 and ive been cutting since i was 13.
The last time i cut was two days ago. So your doing better than a lot of people.
Its too bad we feel the need to hurt ourselves. Ive always hidden mine very well. I dont cut on visible places so my parents never found out about it. I could never show my scars to people. So if you feel confident enough to show yourself then by all means do it! It just means your strong enough.
🙂 I’ve read alot of your posts…all actually I think… And to be honest I wish I could just take your anger away, even for an hour, so you can think clearly about what is really best for you. Things like what do you want to do in life?…. I just realised about a month ago that I just matriculated… I can do whatever the fuck I want to do…….. Well I wish I was closer to you(where are you by the way?) so I could listen to you talk or scream or hit things and get the anger out… I also get angry like that… Haha okay this comment might be confusing as fuck but it’s like midnight here and it’s cold and so just bare with me I’m sorry Haha…. Just where are you located?