It’s strange to be in this position again.
Writing on here as well as writing notes. This time is different, it is clearer for me. Easier to see what is happening. It’s like I’m aware of my own decline but I can’t do anything to stop it. I’m stuck in this debilitating state and I just can’t see what to do.
I’m too scared to tell anyone who could help out of fear of others finding out. I can’t help imagining what will happen if I decide to go though with it.
I just want someone who matters to me to ask if I’m okay.
4 comments
If you want people that matter to you to ask if you’re okay and give you support, you’ll have to open up. Rarely can a person see if another is in emotional pain just by randomly looking. Don’t worry about others finding out, reach out to people you trust. It’ll minimize that risk. Also, even if someone else finds out, the benefit of support from others will far outweigh it.
I understand how it can feel like you’re silently screaming out for help, and nobody hears. I’ve been doing it, in one way or another, for years. I’ve found that even when I had come right out and put it there, in black and white, what was wrong, sometimes it would result in authorities being called. And then when you’re less clear, nobody puts 2 and 2 together. You always hear when somebody commits suicide: “we never saw it coming.” But there are almost always signs, people just don’t want to see them. I want to scream at the people when I’m out shopping “Look at me! Look at me! This person you’re so casually walking past, she wants to die!”
Um, what notes?
People tend to assume that everything’s OK unless extremely clear signs are seen. Talk to someone you trust. If you’re too scared of the authorities being notified, talk to someone here.