I am currently 17 years old. I started to hate my life between the age 11 and 12. When I was in year 6,I was bullied a lot but it never bothered me cause you know I didn’t really care at that age. In my middle school years,my life got worst, I grew to be insecure, sad, lost and depressed. I always told myself you can’t give up at this moment. You see, I HAD a best friend for 10 years, (it felt as if we were in a relationship but with no sexually intentions) that I loved dearly, she was perfect to me. She didn’t do shit I did. She never use to curse,swear, lie, drink, smoke, she was just innocent to me. She was always there for me no matter what. Whenever,I wanted to kill myself I always thought of her she’s the main reason I’m still here suffering on this earth because I always say what would she be doing at your funeral, or how would she feel. It was at that point I actually cared for how she feel since it was only her that only knew how I feel.
My first year in high school, at the age of 15,my ass got suspended. For calling a teacher a “jack***” yes I got suspended for saying that. Yes saying that word. During that week I got suspended, depression and anxiety attacked. I would cut myself and cover it with a jacket and act as if nothing happened. But as usual my best friend was there for me, she didn’t treat me as if I was a criminal as what some friends would do. Then I believe, weeks later there was a new girl in our school. Ugh I hated her( I have a lot of reasons), she began in middle school, until she was on the school bus and it turned out that she use to live next to my bestfriend. So ofc my best friend got close to her, but I kept my distance from her. I notice that my best friend became her best friend. She tended to focus on her more, wanted to spend time with her more. So then I felt left out. Our friendship between my best friend and I slowly faded away. Until my junior year in high school. That b**** completely stole my best friends away from me, not just she stole my best friend but she stole my gang. But that’s okay.
I had older friends than me, well I would say I knew a lot of adults. Adults that either mentor me or made me into a monster. With all my depression, I found comfort. I was still 15 when I found 2 people to talk to like how I use to talk to my best friend, my mentor( let’s call her momma G) I promise you she brought the good out of me, as if she cast away all demons from me, she notice everything about me, when I’m gloomy or when I’m moody or wanna forget the world, most of all she knows how to handle my situations more than I do myself. Then I got a not so of a good person( she want a bad person at all), my god sister and I would hang around her, she was chill and I could of talk to her about anything and whenever she would make herself availablewhich I really did appreciate. Then one day, I turned 16 and I officially had my first drink of alcohol . No I want addicted to it, it was only 4.5 percent it wasn’t possible for me to get drunk.but there was a problem I found alcohol to be my comfort so every time I had a problem, I would drink the pain away, so yeah. Not all the time I had alcohol( still a minor) so the only way for me to handle it is to cut. They tried to stop me when they see the fresh cut on my right arm. Not like my best friend before she just would tell me to stop. There was people that try to tear us apart, it took them a while until It got to the best of me I removed myself from that friendship and stayed by myself for that time, I use to cry myself to sleep, I hated myself more, they were my best friends someone I could talk to.i felt horrible. I don’t usually jump friendship to friendship, like how that b**** jump man to man. But as for now, I refuse to depend on people, only people will put you down, trust in God, yes I barely do but I did once and it was better than telling a human.