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Near Suicide Experience

by VicariousEyes

Well, I almost did it. I was crossing the line before the part of me that hates me stopped me. I deleted my previous posts about my intent for suicide because I felt that they were stupid, childish, poorly written and whatever else negative the other me wanted to come up with.

Anyway, I’ve been depressed for going on 5 years now. Long story not-so-short: my parents have had a volatile, explosive, violent marriage full of mistrust, lies, paranoia. My dad is a HUGE guy. Not in the fat sense, in the could crush a train between his fingers sense. So when things got physical between him and my mom I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t protect anyone. I’ve lived with that inferiority complex for most of my childhood to now. Five years ago I was raped and stabbed by three grown men. I was fourteen. I’ve struggled since with trusting people, my sexuality, relationship shops and friendships. I’ve kept a girlfriend for three years now. She has come from a similar background and is the most loving, loyal person I think could ever exist. She has her caveats though and our relationship is also volatile to our depressed emotions. Now in college, I’m supposed to be able to manage the adult world. Well: an F, F, F, C, and and C- would say I’m incredibly unqualified. The amount of marijuana I smoke might say so also. So: back to my suicide attempt.

In culmination of the things in my life from the above paragraph, and the stuff I left out because there’s just too damn much, I made the 6th real attempt on my life. Let me tell you: this is straight disheartening. I purchased a hemp rope dog leash from the local petstore. I tied it to a tall wooden frame on my bedpost and at the end, made a small noose of the metal fastener and rope. I put a bit of fabric around my neck for padding and was ready. I took a huge hit of alkyl nitrates (poppers for you urban folk), and began to feel it’s intense sedating effect. I let myself slip into the noose and let my knees on the ground as I kneeled away from the post. The pressure on my throat was almost unnoticeable as my brains dopamine levels rose. In seconds my vision began blackening. I was all too familiar with this feeling. “It’s working.” I tell myself. “I’m at peace now.” My brain began going fuzzy, thoughts surged like a lightning storm, the pressure in my head was building and I was slipping away. My eyes closed and I no longer felt the rope around my neck. A thought was prominent: “I’m dead.” Once that phrase was thought, I could feel as my body entered a panic. “YOU’RE DYING. YOU’RE DYING, SOMSONE GET THE ROPE FROM OFF HIM.” It’s almost as if I could hear another person shouting. My eyes opened panicked and my vision was blotched heavily with black static as my instinct fought to survive. My hands flailed uncontrollable, searching for the noose. I tried to stop them but they grabbed hold. The downside of being able to bicep curl more than your own weight: even when being weakened by the lack of brain power, my muscles prevailed in pulling my body up with the rope enough to not be asphyxiated.

The moment I sat up, the blood began rushing back to my head. My brain was in shock. I could not even comprehend what has just happened. It was unlike other suicide attempts. I felt like I had gone mute. I remember specifically thinking, “I hope noone comes in, I can’t speak.” This feeling lasted for about a minute before the “oh god, I almost died” feeling set in. Followed by “why couldn’t I have just died, why did I have to live?”

I just want peace. I plan on living through Christmas, maybe the new year. I was considering joining the military as a means of escape and solving my problems. But I’m too heavy a weed smoker, I couldn’t be shipped out in time to pass a drug test, but before the next semester. I plan on trying again soon.

Have any of you ever experienced this? It makes me wonder, if I want to die so badly, why can’t I bring myself to go ish me off? Life can be so frustrating.

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Drewmom0530 12/23/2016 - 11:57 pm

I used to wonder if my son had been able to smoke pot instead of drink, if that would have lessened his risk of suicide. You answered my question. I’m sorry your life has been so rough. I don’t think going to the other side before your time will help. Give yourself a break. So what if you fail at school as long as you don’t fail at being a nice person and being kind to others, you will pass life.

VicariousEyes 12/24/2016 - 6:42 am

I was actually really hoping to find you here. I’ve seen your comments before; you remind me so much of my own mother. I more often than not feel so guilted by my desire to go. My mom tries to get close to me, seebut I don’t let it happen. I figure it’s best that the less anyone has to feel for me or know me, the better off they will be when I’m gone. I’m terribly sorry about your son also. You seem like such a nice understanding mother. I spend a lot of time wondering, “what if I had parents who just understood?”. I want more than anything to be able to just go hey guys, so in really depressed, but it let it get too bad and I failed at everything in my life and almost died. I don’t know about anyone else but that would sure fucking be a wake up call as a parent I would think. I mean I ran away twice, and the second time I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt. I’ve talked about everything to everyone then. But I think everyone chalked it up to being a kid. Because things went right back to normal.

Regardless,
Thank your for your response, and I’m sorry mine was so rambling, but I have the perpetual feeling of two people’s thoughts in my head.

Also, as a P.S.
I don’t know how old your son was, but I also wish it was weed instead of alcohol. I wish it could have been me instead, and I don’t know either of you. Honestly, weed and my soon-probably-would-have-been-fianceé are the only two things that keep me alive in suicidal times. Heinsight is 20/20 though. It’s so easy to see where we went wrong after we have made a mistake. I just wish death didn’t have to show me mine.

CARLOSPEJUAN 12/24/2016 - 12:15 am

Hey, It sounds to me like you are in the wrong line of duty. I feel like you just haven’t found you yet. Corporate America has blinded you, but you honestly do not have to own a house with a picket fence to be ok. You could join a monastery, and just help others and die… to self. Or you could just study something that is so fun that you read about it every time you get high. Don’t give up. Dude, you have found love. That is AWESOME! Maybe seing a therapist, just to make sure if it’s physical you are medicated, but this means there’s a reason for you to stay. So fuck it, try stuff, and have fun, be safe, love strong, work out and do you. I want to suggest you go easy on the weed and use it more sparingly and not as an escape. but meh I am not a scientist. Go kiss your gf for me, and have a great day getting high by the beach listening to that song by Lana Del Rey. I wish we could chill, sounds like we could build each other up. ^^

robin1244 1/9/2017 - 5:05 am

Can i join in?

robin1244 1/9/2017 - 5:24 am

Never mind live is to greatful

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