No Way Out

The pain never ends. I take the pills I had to fight for, I use all the techniques I’ve been taught over the past 7 years since this began, I surround myself with things I love, and distract myself as best as I can.
Still, it’s there. Eating away at me, at my resolve, my very soul. I want to die because I cannot live. I couldn’t finish school, I can’t work, but I’m “not fucked up enough” to get on disability.
I’m a burden and a poison to everyone around me, no matter how much they deny it. I see the effect I have on people, I see them grow exhausted, depressed, and eventually leave. The only ones who don’t leave are those who feel they don’t have a choice – my family, the two friends who pity me too much to leave me alone, my boyfriend who has nowhere and noone else to go to… And with him being the only exception, they avoid me as much as they are able. Even he avoids me on days like this, where I can’t bring myself to get out of bed and all I do is cry.
I’m so fucking pathetic and I hate it. I don’t want to be a whiny victim. I don’t want to be so useless. But there’s so much wrong and every doctor and therapist I’ve been to for every problem I’ve had have eventually given up (how can a solid lump in my back be felt by a doctor, but not be detected by ultrasound or x-ray?) There’s nothing they can do, the medicine doesn’t work, they can’t fix me.
Why can’t they fix me?