I miss who I was before I had my son.
I was so excited at life. After my nervous breakdown 4 months ago I havent been the same. I know my identity changed in entering motherhood.. but I never thought it would be like this.
Ive suffered a ton in my life and I just want to be happy that Im a mom. Some people dont even get to be parents and really want to. Im trying to see positives.
Moving back in with my parents depressed me until i realized how much they’ve been helping out with the baby. y dad feels like hes young again and happy.
People stop me everywhere to see my son. he is truly beautiful.. im trying to not foget that because with depression its just hard to see the amazing things right in front of you.
I have a friend who is like a “shaman” lol he told me i can get a hold of hemlock plant to take my life… and the thought has been floating around my head.
I think Id be less depressed if I had the right partner beside me. Im single and joined some dating apps… so far i only found friends.. which is great but Im really hoping to find a partner. someone who gets me and I get. It happened once years ago that i was with a really great guy. It ended horribly after 4 years.. i never got over that but i guess it had to pass away one way or another.
anyway just sharing all my thoughts and getting it out. Thanks for reading.
- oh and i want to add i managed to get a prescription of phenobarbital, restroil and xanax. It is ny backup in case i have another mental break down which i dont think i can survive again.
2 comments
I want to start out by saying it is a good thing you are stopping to think about this. I read your previous two posts and noticed that this started less than a year ago and has a pretty obvious cause, which means you probably have a good chance of being able to work through it and get back to the better place you were before. So unless you are one hundred percent sure that you truly want to go, please hold off on the two exit plans that you named here, because if you know how to prep correctly you likely won’t get a second chance.
You didn’t mention what the trauma was, but the intense hormonal changes and the shock of life suddenly being so different and challenging after having a baby can cause serious problems even wothout trauma. The combination must be rough, no doubt.
It sounds like you have a good support system. Are you talking to a therapist? Is your doctor good about listening to you concerning what kind of medications you want to try?
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it and your questions and thoughts.
I def have been researching and you’re right if i prep correctly I prob wont get another chance. I do think of that.
The trauma is not telling my ex i had the baby because he was emotionally abusive. I had to escape him. After 3 months of the baby being born.. i felt intense guilt. It ate at me.. even though everyone said i did the right thing to protect the baby and i. I told my ex and he didnt really care and isnt in the picture thankfully. The guilt made me neary lose my mind and the fear of him taking the baby or fighting custody made me iterally feel like i was losing my mind thinking about it every second, It was fro that that i ended up having psychosis, ocd and anixety as well as ptsd.
Ive been seeing a therapist but had troube with my insurance so right now im not seeing anyone until its figured out.
I have a temporary psychiatrist and yes, thanks to my research she gave me Zyprexa which has helped esp with sleep. Thank god i get like 9 to 10 hours every night.
im just so depressed i have to peel myself off my bed ever day. I may need an anti depressant but im just trying hard to work through it myself.
Hormonally my cycle is still not on track so.. maybe i need to give it more time.