Feeling slightly better

I’ve been feeling slightly better.. but a friend made me realize that ive been sort of indulging in the thought of suicide.

The med I’m on has helped a bit ( Zyprexa for mood disorder). Ive also been prescribed Prozac for depression but Ive been worried about taking it due to side effects.

Im not sure if it is depression that’s making me have these thoughts but.. I cannot stop thinking about how in the world im going to live another 50 years. I know its a future thought of which is not healthy to worry about but.. it crosses my mind. Ive had several people also tell me that im going to die when im really old.. like around 100. I probably should ignore it but at least 5 people have told me that. I surely hope not.

I do believe in God and had a near death experience when I was 17 ( during a bad reaction to anesthesia during wisdom tooth removal surgery) of which i drifted from my body and went down a hallway tunnel and woke in another place up to my knees in a lake. The story goes on but to make it short.. I chose to come back.  I regret it now.. but i felt i have more time I needed to live here. 15 years later and now Id like to go back but whats keeping me here is my mom and son. It would kill my mom and my son has no other parent but me. I feel bad and yes there are some joys in life but it is so hard for me to be still and think that i can be here for long. People tell me to live a day at a time and ive been trying but its hard with mental disorder. I keep thinking future thoughts. Idk what else to do…   im looking into mindfulness meditation and trying to practice.

I Believe wholeheartedly that Christ came to teach us about life and death. I wasnt Christian truly until recently when i realized a vision I had one night when I was sitting in bed ( around Easter) and i had seen a painting of Christ earlier that week. I was sitting and saw Jesus raise his arms and lights shot out of his heart and spiraled out. It took me a while to realize that he had revealed himself to me resurrected. I slowly began to read and understand parts of the Bible. I think a lot of Christians arent true followers of Christ and a lot of people who hate anything to do with Christ dont understand Christ either. Its not about religion. I have started to read bits and there are verses that have helped me a bit in hard times. One was pauls writings.. in particular which ive been meditating on.. Pressing toward the goal: ” [for my determined purpose is] that I may know him [that i may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonder of him person more strongly  and more clearly] and  that i may in that same way come to know the power out-flowing from his resurrection, and that i may so share his sufferings as to be continually transformed [ in spirit into likeness even]to His death, [in the hope] that if possible i may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [ that lifts me] out from among the dead [ even while in a body]. Not that i have now attained [this ideal]  , or have already been made perfect, but i press on to lay hold of  grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own. – Philippians 3:10

It has made me realize that death is to be conquered in life. This is what being “saved” is about. im in the process of fully understanding. but it makes me feel like self love is a major factor. And realizing that Christ lives within each person. I just wish my mind could be in a better place.

In my heart I dont believe I will be punished if i take my life. I think God knows the heart of each and how much pain we are in. But I also think it is a loss for many and for the world when someone does take their life ( esp if they are young) because its like this one unique individual that will never BE again ( never be another) is gone forever and could have done so much.. made so much difference even if it seems untrue.

I hope I can make it for my mom , son and myself