I don’t think I will make it son
I love you so much.
I love your little hands and feet. You are the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen.
I’m sorry that I wont be around much longer. You wont remember me much. You are only 8 months old.
Im to ill to go on.. I hope one day in the distant future you will understand. somehow..
I will never see you take your first steps.
I will never hold you when you need.
I will never get to embrace you after youve fallen or had a bad day.
I will never get to see your first drawing
I will never be able to see you come home from school
You will never get to come to me for advice.
Im so sorry.
I hope one day you can be thankful that I gave you life
I hope you become everything youve ever wanted tobe
I will be with you in Spirit till the day we meet again.
I love you, Hayden.
7 comments
this is absolutely beautiful, and terrifying at the same time- i fear i will be the same if i have a child one day
but you are one strong parent
Not how I would define “strong” a strong parent is one who overcomes weakness, troubles, whatever is in their path for the sake of their child.
Elle,
Don’t take my above comment as a disparaging reflection on you. I know how hard your struggle is. I lost my mother before I knew her to drugs and her inability to be an adult. I can’t know your son or what he’ll grow up to be but I never hated my mom. I’ve been sad for her, wondered what our life could have been, wished for different circumstances but in the end she was the person that she was and for better or worse lived the life she was destined to.
Be well Elle, i answered your email too
i get what you’re saying, but to have survived long enough to actually have a child is what i mean by strong
God. I pray that you are still here. Life I’m sure is an absolute ***** for you. There are no promises that it gets better or worse. But I think this child will always miss you if/when you go. There is a finality that he will never comprehend. I do not want to sound preachy…I am just pleading with you to reconsider if you’re still here. My take is that you’d be a great mom. Please don’t deprive your child of that that love if you can.
What a beautiful note to leave for your son. I’m sorry for all the pain you must be going through. You’re not alone. Most of us here on SP have pains too. Hope you have a peaceful journey.
What a beautiful note. Myself and 3 siblings were “raised” by a delusional mother. I now understand that all four of us have been close to death by choice. The love of my sick mother was laced with neglect, abuse, and toxicity that is almost impossible to describe. The most loving action she could have taken, IMHO, in our circumstances, would have been to catch the bus. I am glad I am not in your shoes but If I where at your funeral I would respect your decision. I would like to think that you could be fixed but the brain is still a big scientific frontier. This is by far the hardest reply I have ever done and whatever you wind up doing we here at sp are here to lend an ear.