November and December are the worst. Everyone’s all merry holidays and happy and I just wanna slap them all. I hate the holidays so much they’re so depressing for me. I appreciate my family and my friends so much and they all try and make me happy but I just can’t be happy I can be drunk and incoherent but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually be happy and none of them understand that. So I fake happy to make them happy. Then I go home at night and drown my existence is alcohol and that usually ends with a stranger showing up for a hookup, my friends think i just really like sex but really I’m waiting for the day of one of them showing up with a gun or a knife and ending me for me so I don’t seem selfish. Cause I consider suicide peace for me but my friends tell me I’m just selfish for wanting it. Idk anyways thanks for reading me ramble.