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current state of my mind

by Caelum

Hello

I am not sure how to start…I have this kind of suicidal thoughts more than 10  years now(around in my mid 20es). What is my situation now?I took a break in my studies.I studied business information in the 6th semester but I never graduated by University.It isn’t like I hate or love my minor but after some semesters I think it is boring and not enjoyable to study and work in this subject/environment.

I felt always like I don’t belong to anyone or group not because I am hyper shy/introverted but I am like jack of all trades.Actually during my studies I built my own social network with people which contains a wide range  of people with different mindsets and goals in the faculties but I can fit in this groups  but I am not part of them(feelings wise).The result is I was always lonely but never alone.After I took a break from the university I canceled all social contacts .I didnt left my apartment in the last 3 weeks… I  give a shit about myself(hygiene e.g.showering every day,shave my beard away or going to the hairdresser). My close(“close” like they write me a one to three messages per month )family members asked about me what is about me  but I try to avoid to give them a truthful answer.My sister and mother studied,too (business Administration;Physic and Math) but they have to stiff opinions to discuss with them about various topics.

The only one who understood me  in my family was my grandpa.It was like we are very similar but were born in completely different time eras (He was born 1938 and I 1993).He died this september in only 3 weeks.After some faintness they discovered stomach cancer. During the visits he said:” Why is it me?” In my mind there was a thought like :the one doesn’t want die but his flesh cannot do anymore and the other want to but his flesh wants to live.On his death day I visited him his body was finished but he was mentally present and noticed everything.After we went out because the personal told us. 40mins after I came home I got the call he died and we should come to the hopsital and pick up his belongings and I saw his corpse in the hospital bed and his open empy eyes.

What is my mindset now?I think I failed my live miserably because I have no goals which are worth enough to be  reachable and wasted my time with other stuff. The only way to(for me) draw consequences is to kill myself. So I try to suicide still in this year and lets hope I find a better mindset or I am successful and don’t end as a cripple.If you have an advice or just want  to ask about me then write in this post I will answer as fast as possible.

tl;dr;I have no place where I belong and I have no goals+nothing enjoyable to live

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clipped-wings 12/21/2017 - 5:16 pm

So I am trying to figure this out. You took a break from school because you want to change your course of study? And you don’t feel like you fit into a social group?

I am so sorry you lost your Grandfather. I take it you were close. I was like that with my brother. He died from drugs. And you are depressed. Can you talk to a counselor? Another relative that isn’t your mother or sister? I’m going to read your post again. It would do me good to help someone.

Caelum 12/21/2017 - 5:24 pm

Hello
I took a break to change which I can do in long-term but didnt figured out yet .To be honest I dont think to high about counselors and typical for men for us it is very difficult to talk open about the emotions.My other family members and me are not on the wavelenght so this option is off unfortunatly.

clipped-wings 12/21/2017 - 9:50 pm

So you’re in your 30’s? Do you live alone? When did you stop taking classes? Depression is hard to deal with alone. Culture differences also influence how it is perceived by the depressed person and society. You seem like an intelligent and interesting man. I wish I could suggest a book that may help since you don’t wish to see a professional.

Caelum 12/22/2017 - 4:49 am

No,I am 24 now. I stopped taking classes in January but it isnt mandatory to appear to the classes in my studies so I took some exams. I stopped on the 1rst October.The thing is I have a cheap room and I have still some money.

clipped-wings 12/22/2017 - 12:38 pm

Do you have any idea what you want to do with your life? Besides ending it I mean. I have a feeling you are afraid to disappoint someone. It’s making you miserable. You are also at the age where mental illness usually strikes. All I can really suggest is that you see a doctor. You have so much potential!

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