Disorganized thoughts

December 6th, 2017by RiloMor

 

  • It’s not like I haven’t tried to speak my mind to, tell someone. In fact I have been hospitalized for my depression, 7 day lock up with medication and a councilor to ‘talk about it.’ But why did they believe me when I told them it was because of some random girl making fun of me for being gay and trans-masculine. I don’t know why I’m depressed, or why I panic when I’m near people or feel the need to just scream for no reason. Why did they think it was another person hating me when I was hating myself for not knowing why I feel the need to tear my skin at the thought of – of what? I don’t know! I just need to. Why? Why cant I answer this simple stupid question that only I know but I don’t know and everyone thinks I’m fine. In not taking my medication anymore because it doesn’t work, drugging me up on chemicals doesn’t work. I told them I could see and hear a man talking when he wasn’t really there because I knew the drugs for that were stronger than the typical stuff.
  • I have a project coming up soon. For school. 5 projects actually and no group to help me because “She’s to weird” or “Her fault she sat at a 1 seat desk.” … Rewrite 4 news articles and then write another 4 articles on different subjects. Also there’s a one-pager book review and a PSA short film about young adult struggles that has to be 3-5 minutes long. Oh and not to mention the research article I need to write by myself because the group I have for that project cares more about making a text her “BFF” who’s sitting beside her. Oh and math! Can’t forget about math because I certainly need to know how to graph X^2 – 5x + 6 or I wont be able to do any basic human functions in society.
  • My mom said “You have to pass the driver’s test or your walking to school.” I want to, but they don’t understand I blank when I drive sometimes because nothing is forcing my attention onto the road, I nearly crashed because I panicked when I was told “park here, actually go straight.” I was going straight, and I moved to turn but hit the accelerator when she said “go straight.” I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m going to get myself killed one day because I thought I could. I don’t want to drive anymore, but I have to, I have to because I have to drive my friend to school. She’ll be mad if I don’t. I blame it on my mother’s foot. She needs surgery on it for something, I forgot. There isn’t enough space in this closet I call a memory.
  • I don’t want anything this Christmas really.. Only the chest binder. But I think I shouldn’t ask for it. They keep asking for what I want but I wont tell them I keep scratching my arm like there’s an answer etched into my bone.
  • Why does my sister get everything? Brand new computer, a glossy tablet, Ipod and phone. Today I noticed she also has Bluetooth wireless headphones and an extra battery pack for her electronics. All I’ve got is a phone and our family computer and a pair of nearly broken Ear buds. Sure she paid for half of her things herself but that’s because she got a job without even trying! While I’ve sent in 7 applications and not one phone call. I guess its okay I didn’t get a job I can’t balance it into my schedule anyways.
  • Is it bad that I keep hoping someone will cause an accident and I’ll break my leg or arm.. It would mean less work, right? Less stress, less anxiety and even less self-esteem. I started cutting again, it relieved the thoughts a bit. But I’m selfish aren’t I? When more people are on the streets with nothing and I’m here killing myself because I can’t handle a simple task?
  • I want to die but I’m afraid of it. I’m scared that when I do I’ll be trapped in a dark void with nothing but my thoughts. Or worse.
  • I didn’t do a project. its due tomorrow.
  • Do I have the schedule set up for Saturday?
  • What if my chest shows this Friday? What if they find out I’m a girl? Should I quit.. No I can’t he’ll yell at me in front of everyone.
  • What am I even exactly doing Friday?
  • I’ve noticed instructions for me need to be exact or I get confused and question what it means. Think that means I’m an idiot.
  • It’s midnight I need to sleep or..
  • I don’t want to do this anymore.
  • I don’t want to post this but I need to.
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