Became a psychopath

I was pushed to my limits again.
This time is a combination. I had a dream in which I stabbed 4 guys over a fight, which I manipulated them to start.

When I was a young boy, my brother abused me physically. He blackmailed me to do him a lot of favors and to serve him. I wanted to kill him for few years back then. I really craved the idea.

Later when I became 16/14 my mom used to berserker on me with vocal violence. She said I was a waste of money and energy. She said she would rather die than to be with a family like this.

Her SO ofcours was abusive a bit toward her. That is the life she knew. She grew with an abusive father who physically beat all his children and his wife. One of my mom brothers shot himself in front of her at young age.

At 18 y.o I had to help my mom go through a divorce (from my “step dad”). She tried to kill herself few times, she blamed me. My brother flew abroad for a vacation and didn’t want to have anything to do with this shit. I stood there alone, seeing the true demons that my mom tried to hold back for so many years. I saw how manipulate she can become. How depressed. How demonic she can be. I believe that she didn’t want to live, but this was no excuse for hurting me that way.

I had to grow up and fast. I had to help financially and mentally. I had to work 24/7, and meanwhile had to be her parent, her angel, her boxing sack, her psychologist.

I couldn’t hold on my friendships. Friends didn’t know about me nothing. I was a fucking safe. They slowly started hating on me, for not seeing them enough. She started on pushing me.

I found myself dead end. I cried each fucking time. I killed my feeling persona. I became numb. I became angry…..I started to envy hurting things. I liked the idea of killing animals. I became ill, mentaly ill.

I had to scream to myself at the mirror, that I’ll be out of this. That I’ll be just fine. I would imagine that the mirror shows an older version of me, and that version gave my orders how to cope. I was a dead man from there and on. Each person I became friends with, was all due to manipulation. I didn’t feel friendship, I just needed them to be at my side.

Later on I started studying. I learned how to put my mom on control. But she is still insane. I still have to cope with that. There is none to take to tho. There is none to treat her beside me and I’m not going to snitch.

I learned how to manipulate her. I finally managed to seize the demon. I took over the wheel. Now I know what I’ve to do. few more years and I’m going to be ruling my life again. I’m pretty sure I would want to go abroad and start a new life with different identity.
But I’m not sure I would be the same.

I wanted to die. I should have killed myself back when I was 9. I should’ve never kept on discovering the dark secrets of my family. But I did. let’s face it, I didn’t fall too far from the tree.

Today I’m a psychopath. I like to do demonic shit.
I’m fucked. I’m really fucked up. I’m a soulless person.
Just going by my plan……….. Ive friendship but they are all mean less. Im going to get a gf but that would be for my own needs….

Perhaps I still have a bit of feeling part that I’ve not buried deep in my past, that is probably why I’m writing this here and probably why I’m crying now. Most of the time I would barely care. I will feel mostly fear/anger/happy.

it’s either I became unable to feel or extremely psycho.

Stay strong, be brave, keep yourself sane. Jac.