Is life what we make of it?

I was 8 years old the first time I tried to commit suicide. I’m 38 years old today and my life isn’t really any better. I attempted suicide plenty of times between then and now but I, like some, don’t want to die as much as I want to have a better life I just didn’t know how to attain it and, as I have found, might never really feel like I know how.

I spent 11 years of my life homeless, between the ages of 18 and 29, traveling the United states, looking for that better life. I never found it.

One thing I always wanted was a relationship and now I have it and it isn’t that great. It’s actually quite depressing at times. I have a home now too, and money. I don’t work but when you explain to people that you receive welfare and they can’t see anything obviously wrong with you they tend to want to harass you about it in one way or another. All the well though. I can’t really stand people even though I have a lot of love for all of them.

We had a baby back in 2011. My little woman. I love her with all my heart! Always have and always will. Unfortunately my mental illnesses, bad decision making and bad luck lead us to losing her to the state when she was only 10 months old. The day she first stood up on her own they took her from me. Fortunately my younger sister got custody of her so now my little woman will grow up with 2 little girls her age, and older sister and 2 younger brothers but she might not get to know her mother and father until she is 18 as my little sister doesn’t seem to want to deal with us anymore. It’s been 2 years since we have seen our daughter.

At times I don’t know how I have made it this long and many, many times I wish I would have been successful when I was 8. I look to the future hoping I get it right but realizing that mistakes are a constant of life. I have to pick and choose what emotions to carry on and which ones to leave. I don’t suppress negative emotions but recognize them, validate them and then forget them and move on. It’s a practice that I will always be working on because it’s easy to forget.

If I want a happy life I can’t expect it when I focus so much on the negativity and I do see there are plenty of negative things in this world.

This is my first time posting here even though I have been reading posts for a few days now. I have a goal in life and that goal is to help people. I want you all to know that much of what I have read I can really relate too. Many of the thoughts and feelings you all have I have had at times. You all aren’t alone in what you are going through and I hope that I can help some of you find a path that will eventually lead to an easier life if not a happier one.

I don’t have kik right now but I’m about to download it so I can make myself available to talk if you all would like. I’m almost always available and can easily make myself available at any time.

I’m not going to preach to you or tell you your wrong. I just want to be there for you if you want. Much of my life all I had was myself to talk too and I know that can be a nightmare. Maybe I can help relieve you all of that pain.