Please tell me how can you hold your head above water?

Today I lived for few hours.
I went on a date with a sweet girl. I had it all going fine for me, we have had fun, she really enjoyed my company.

The problems started later…

When I got back home, I got back to my depressed mom. To the shattered dreamland of her needs and feelings. To the half fine home of ours. To the family of abused kids. She was abused when she were young, and later on her life, she wasn’t the perfect mom. She is mentally ill, and she many times, abused me and my brother verbally and with lots of mental manipulations.

She instantly attacked me on how I’m selfish and et cetra.  When I have fun, I’m back to this land.
I’m back to ground zero. I’m the target of her envy and jealousy.

I had enough of getting crashed. No wonder I feel isolated. No wonder I feel trapped. I feel dead. I don’t like enjoying life, because each time I do, my mom gets jealous. If she has to suffer, then I have to suffer. If she makes bad choices, then I have to fix it. If she can’t enjoy what we have, then I can’t. If she isn’t happy with herself, then I can’t be happy with myself.

I really tried to live today.
I had fine times with this girl. She is just my age, or close.. and…
and I felt so close but yet so far.
She has the regular life of a young student, she has the regular parents, the normal problems. She doesn’t ought to be mentally fine, but even then, she is still alive.

And I’m on the other side of the table, so freaking fucked up.

When I grew up, my mom used to blame me and my brother on all her bad choices. Even if it weren’t our fault, we still were her  “obligatorians”, as if we weren’t wanted to her, but more like a burden to her.

I grew up being a “faulty part” of a family. I grew up knowing that I wished I was gone.
Dad was never there either, I’ve stopped talking to him 2 years ago.
I’m smart enough to take care of my mental health and to do each fucking mental exercise that I can and know.

But I’m broken. I’m defect.  I can’t feel anymore. I’m so fucked up in my head and my heart is infected with hate, that I can’t keep my feelings alive. I’m a dead man walking pointlessly on this earth.

I told this girl that I’m waiting for the end of my studies. That I don’t find this anything remotely good or fun. She just don’t know, like others, how much shit I take from my mom.
I’m trying to fix my life, I’m trying to get a good job, and to get financially stable. My mom was basically a whore, being with rich man she didn’t like. I would define this as “whoreism” -> trying to be a hero, but with your puss. This is fucking disgusting.

I had enough of this life, really. I wanted to enjoy it, but with her abusing me this way, I can’t keep on. I won’t choose suicide, because she will eventually die before I do. I just wonder when will it happen.

It doesn’t even matter, nothing can fix the current situation. Not even years of therapy. My mind is completely fucked. I’m crashed.

I will just continue with my plan to do my best and graduate this degree like a boss.

I don’t find joy in life, but I don’t feel suicidal. I guess I have developed a skill when I was young, a way or a method to endure this pain. I use it to motivate my mind to ignore any feelings. This is why I’m such a fucking psychopath.

I wish this hell would end somewhen. I wish to be a grown man, maybe I will find a reason to break free somewhere at a job or so. Maybe I should become an astronaut. I know my mom won’t be able to come over to space with me, that sounds cool.

Anyway, to everyone who actually read, please don’t abuse people. Please. Please don’t tell someone you would kill yourself if he wouldn’t be there. Please don’t manipulate people. Please keep them alone.

I wish I was never born 🙂

Stay strong, be brave, Yours – Jac.