I went tonight to the memorial of SS Oria.(I’ll attach photos at the end of this post,just to get an idea how the location is like)The SS Oria was (I’m copy-pasting from wikipedia) ” a Norwegian steamboat that sank on 12 February 1944, causing the death of some 4,000 Italian prisoners of war. This was one of the worst maritime disasters ever, and probably the worst loss of life caused by the sinking of a single ship in the Mediterranean Sea.”
I’ve been to this location 4-5 times.I don’t know why I go there.Maybe the loss of so many lives for no reason, draws me there.Maybe because at night is a relevantly quiet place (not many cars passing by).I really don’t know.
I was already depressed when I got there and crying. I got out of the car and spent the next 2-3 hours there,chain smoking and walking up and down.It was cold and windy.I was trying to find a reason to continue my life and I couldn’t find any.I know that I’m finished.I thought of my previous failed suicide attempts.There isn’t anything worse for me: you try to die and you fail.The knowledge that I’m unable to kill myself haunts me.
I imaged myself taken into the sea to the shipwreck,laying drowned alongside the dead Italians. There,in the depths of the sea,I would stay peacefully.There I could stay forever.The dead one with the dead ones.I imagined I was on the ship when it sank,greeting death with relief.All the others would be in panic and running for their lives,I would hold myself as hard as I could to the ship,hoping to sink as fast as possible. I would drink as much water as I could,just to die faster.I imagined myself laying next to Oria at the bottom of the sea.A human wreck next to the famous one.
I was thinking all these things and I wished I didn’t know how to swim,so I could throw myself in the sea and drown.At times my head was going to explode from the pain.These headaches are the worst.There were moments that I was feeling weak,tired and ready to collapse. I was shaking and and I was struggling to breath.My heart was aching and beeping like crazy.I was having pains all over my body.
Deep inside me I wanted to die right there,at that very moment.”Lucky Italians”,I was thinking afterwards,”you died here and someone built a memorial for you.Your families back in Italy wept and cried for your loss.I’ll die here and no one will care.There won’t be a memorial for me.They’ll find my body in the morning next to your memorial.A worthless dead body here,disgracing your memory.”
The crisis passed and,to my disappointment,I was still alive.Why can’t I die?Why do I have to continue my tragic life?Why must my suffering go on?I have no answers.All I know is that I have no reason to continue living.I’ve made it so far,yes.But as the saying goes: ”so far,so good,so what?” I want to end my life.This can’t go on.
I envy the drowned Italians and I know that this is a bad thing to say.I wish I was one of them.
Now I’m back home.I wish I could stay there being dead.
11 comments
A beautiful and very sad place. I wish I could go there with you.
Thank you clipped-wings.I’m going to say this to you and I’m not exaggerating: you are one of the nicest people I’ve ever known.Thank you.
Thank you. I had to look that up. It’s such a sad story. All those souls gone. For what?
Then I went back and read all your posts.
One very lonely soul. A soul that has reached out to me in my times of sadness and frustration. I realized we’re not so different. Yet we’re worlds apart. I found myself standing next to you. I was in tears.
Thank you,but I don’t think you should cry for me.You have your own problems to face and I said it to you before: you are a very strong person with an even stronger will.On the other hand,I am a lost cause,a very weak man who doesn’t deserve anything.But,I have to thank you again for caring.I appreciate that you try to help,not only me,but everyone in this site.Thank you.
I think I’m crying for myself. I am very close to ending my life. I don’t think I can last much longer. The world is too sad and I’m pathetic. I simply don’t want to be here.
I don’t know what to say…I’m very sad right now,I cry.It’ll be hypocritical to say to you to continue when I want to die too.I wish I could find something to say and I wish I could help somehow.I don’t know…
That’s powerful, Taf Taf.
In my own contemplation of suicide, I find that it’s a difficult decision because it is murder. I will be killing a living, breathing human being. I could not walk up to you and kill you, because I am not a murderer, yet I insist on becoming one, to end my own life, a life I deem worthless, while others think differently. No wonder this decision seems damn near impossible some days, you have to change who you are to accomplish it. I understand your dilemma, from that point of view, anyways.
4,000 lives gone, in such a short period of time, and they were not given a choice. . . and it can take us years, decades, to also die. It almost seems comical that I insist on making such a fuss over myself, especially when I consider that right now, somewhere, someone with so much more to offer than me is probably being murdered, and all that person wants to do is live, and I just want to. . . well, you know.
Thanks for posting this. I learned something new today.
I know that most suicidal people don’t see it that way.In the eyes of someone who wants to die,the end justifies the means.The means is of course killing one’s self and the goal is salvation,catharsis,redemption,the end of life’s agony.It’s,in a way,an optimistic view-to believe that all sufferings will end with one act.But yes,I agree with you: it’s still a murder,a violent act.It’s also a very selfish thing to do,maybe the most selfish decision that someone takes.
And yes,it’s sad when people that want to live eventually die.And it’s even sadder when they die with no reason at all.Many of those Italians didn’t want to be here,they wanted to stay in their homes.They were ordered to go to a war,they survived that war only to die in a storm.That goes for many humans who find themselves in similar situations,I mean when they have done anything they could to live and something unexpected happens and they unjustifiably die.
I was thinking about that: maybe suicidal and life-affirming people aren’t so different.In a way both are trying and struggle for something difficult to achieve: someone who wants to live must face all the tragedies of life and the upcoming death,and someone who wants to die must face his own will to live-that force that insists keeping him/her alive.Both are,in a way,addicted to life and death,both must suffer in a different way,both set a goal that’s nearly impossible.I don’t know,maybe that was a stupid thought…
No. Not stupid. Either way, it’s a losing proposition. Sigh.
I’m just, I don’t know, ready? I’m not young. Not old either. I’m just tired of chronic pain. Can’t do what makes me feel like a worthwhile person anymore. And there are just so many sad stories. I don’t want to be one of them anymore.
I’m crying so hard right now…I don’t think you’re a sad story.You’re a story of hope.You have done many great things and and you are really a great person.I understand how you feel and I wish it wasn’t that way.I don’t know what to say,I’m sorry.