(My comments keep going right to trash so I’ve made a post to respond to you)
You’re not fucked up, you’ve dealt with fucked up things, but YOU are not fucked up. It makes sense to me that there are times you just really don’t feel right. I can relate to that, I’ve had plenty of times where all I can say is that “I don’t feel right” when trying to explain what’s wrong with me. Sometimes my thoughts and memories attack me, other times I am so horribly “off” that it feels like I’m living a parody of my life. Or like I’m the focal point of some giant inside joke that everyone knows about but me. Then of course there is the empty/disconnected feeling.
All that shittiness aside, there are still things I like about life. There are people I love, and places I want to see.
I remember you said that you enjoyed traveling, could you maybe start planning another trip? At least it’s something in the near future, and somewhere for you to point your thoughts and energy that is positive. How do you feel about your job? Do you mind it— if so, maybe a new job could be a good thing? What about moving away? Would a change of location maybe help revitalize you?
I don’t know, I understand how it feels to be exhausted by the idea of “life-like” things, but I think it’d be a shame if you let go. I want you to stick around for things to get better.
How do you feel about your therapist? Can you talk openly with her?
12 comments
cuz of the f word…
but I feel like I am cuz non f’d up people don’t have to resort to this to keep carrying on.. I’m with you on all that though, even the people/places.
im visiting my little brother in July and I have days off requested and tickets bought, but it doesn’t help much for getting through the days and even with that it feels more like an idea than something i know will happen. I know it’ll be good to see him but the problem will be coming back..
I’d love to move, and i’m not fond of my job. but without anything else it seems smarter to stick it out here where there’s at least benefits (first time I have insurance for anything). I could change areas but I can’t do that (or move) until I get my driver’s license and since a co-worker is helping with that I don’t have any other options for awhile. I know I’ve been here too long, though.
I like her. I told her about yesterday (minis the harm) and she knows I don’t see a future.. she wanted my word last time that I wouldn’t kill myself before the next time I saw her and this time she said hurt instead.. I don’t know if the difference was intentional (the actual doc I saw used hurt to mean kill when theyre different).
she said some interesting things today, though.
I Feel like things are technically better, though. I’m in a way better situation than when I first joined this place and Ive had good experiences but my brain is still broken and so am I. I don’t think that’s going to ever leave me.
Eh, I had a feeling that could be the reason why… whoopsie.
Are you close with your brother? Do you guys have things planned for your visit , or do you think you will just play it by ear?
Well, you could start looking at other places to live so you have ideas for after you get your driver’s license. Maybe it will give you something to look forward to? Did you have your license at any point? I currently am without a license too, but I lost mine last year from an OUI (I drove my car right into a tree) weee.
Hmm… I’m assuming you want the insurance for visits with the therapist? Am I right? Is there anyway you could look to line up a new job and if you can’t get immediate coverage with said new job, maybe you could through the state you reside in for the time being?
You’re lucky you found a therapist you like and can open up to. I had a counselor a couple years back who I found myself hiding things from… I stopped going because it wasn’t doing me any good to sit there for an hour with a mask on. Did you promise her you wouldn’t harm yourself? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I hope you don’t hurt yourself again though, I know how hard that is to resist at times.
Your brain isn’t broken, it just works differently than the “average Joe’s”… nothing wrong with that. I just hope at some point that you can ignore some of those negative things ping-ponging around in your mind. You deserve some peace <3
yeah, we are. he’s my only relative I still talk with, but he doesn’t have much to do with the rest. I get him up early enough we can see a sunrise by the ocean one day but beyond that, just wing it. id like to go back up a mountain there, though..
..that might be a good idea. I’m torn between wanting to move far away where no one knows me (and I won’t have a chance of running into anyone I know), and staying close enough where my best friend and her folks aren’t far. I know I’d miss them.
always had a permit, me. first time in a couple years I’ve had the circumstances to get close to an actual one again.
ah, that sucks. how long before they let you get it back? I hope it doesn’t make getting things too difficult for you.
yeah, that’s part of it. I honestly have no idea.. adult stuff is still new to me to figure out. I do know the jobs I’m ‘qualified’ for are the basic part time stuff that doesn’t offer much besides minimum wage.. I have no real skills. or much life knowledge.. or a clue.
I believe it. I think in part it’s because she reminds me a bit of me with her body language. and im not completely transparent with her, but I see how your experience wouldn’t help at all.
technically I did.. meh. we’ll see.
I hope so too.. and thanks 🙂
today was easier than yesterday, there’s that at least.
Ooo! Watching the sunrise sounds nice. Do you think he’d be down for hiking up a mountain with you? If not, would you do it alone? Is there a big age difference between the two of you? I’m very close with my little brother as well, he is 7 years younger than me. I’m so proud of all he does. He is more sure of himself than I’ve ever been. It makes me feel good.
Do you think if you moved far away (where no one knew you) that you would bother with meeting new people/making friends— or would you end up isolating yourself? I totally get wanting to get away, and not having to worry about running into certain people, but it would be a shame if you moved really far away from your close friend. Does your brother live really far away? Would you ever move close to him?
I see, I hope you get your license soon then. As for me, I’m not sure. I have what better be my final court date in June. A few months ago I was supposed to have my actual trial, but other cases there took precedence over mine and there was only one judge there that day. It sucks, but it’s my own stupid fault, you know? After hitting the tree I realized dying may not be so fun, it really scared me. My sternum and upper right side of ribs hurt from the seatbelt, but it could have been really bad. Thankfully I was able to get a job right by my house after, I walk to work. Everything else I need to line up rides for, or Uber (which gives me mega anxiety).
Ha, what do you know!?! I also feel I don’t “adult” very well. I’m starting to wonder if everyone is just winging it, and some are just great at pretending they know what the eff they are doing. The insurance thing is something to maybe look into? It really sucks having a job you despise… what Type of job would you like to be doing?
Hmm.. yep, it often does seem easier to open up to people who remind us of ourselves. I’m glad you promised her you wouldn’t hurt yourself before you see her again, I hope you keep that promise.
I hope today is even better…
yeah, it is. I just have to get him up early enough (or at least drag him to the car).
last time he took me up, so he should. it was colder then, though, but hopefully if we do we won’t see too many people.
it’s a bit of a drive to get there, so I might not be able to climb that on my own. hiking up mountains is fun, though.
ha, mine’s two years younger.
started writing a comment and it posted on its own…
in some respects my bro is way ahead of me (including being accident prone) but I’m glad he’s doing well. and he has good folks up there, so it’s a plus.
I think it’d honestly depend on who I meet.. I still don’t speak to anyone in my town outside of work, and it took awhile for me to actually talk with people there. have you ever relocated towns? is it easy for you to make new friends?
he’s over twelve hours away by car, so not too close. I’ve thought of moving up where he is though, at least temporarily. it’s beautiful, even if their winters get way more snow. I know when I saw him year before last he wanted me to think about staying up there, in part to look after me a bit.. backwards. I’ve mostly done a decent job with that though.
Oh wow, I’m glad it wasn’t worse. and yeah, sometimes those types of moments can definitely make one reconsider. I hope the resolution of it won’t leave you too bad off.
It’s good you found a job nearby. is there any place you go that you may be able to bike to? it’s my go-to transport. there’s a type of bus service here I could use, except it requires a phone call and I hate talking on the phone with strangers, so I never have.. it might’ve saved me some trouble, but eh. it’s nice to have people you know you can call to get you where you need to.
lol, that explanation would make sense to me.. I really haven’t liked any of the jobs I’ve worked. I always say my dream job is working in a small bookstore or a library, but I also know that’s not something I would ultimately find fulfilling and it probably wouldn’t be able to support me. beyond that, got nothin besides i’d like to sit down a bit more.. do you like your current job?
I got to see my best friend, and we made dog biscuits and went to the quarry park with her shepherd (they were having a dog day where the pups could swim in the enclosed area), so that was fun. depressing that I still felt a bit blegh with them.. but seeing them usually helps me.
I’ve changed towns, but everything is so close together in this state that it’s basically the same. I’m not far away from the town I did most of my growing up in. As for REALLY moving away— no, I’ve never done that. I’ve contemplated it many times, but never have. I am very introverted and awkward, so making new friends isn’t necessarily easy for me. I think it could be if I made more of an effort, but I am fairly anti-social and untrusting by nature soooo… meh.
I think it could be awesome for you to live close to your brother, but it would suck that you’re far from your close friend (and her family). I bet there are pros and cons to both places.
There are places in walking distance, the river and some trails, the library, even a couple small convenience stores. But if I want to do a full food shopping, I need to catch a ride. Also doctors appointments and any other random things I need, I need to catch rides. There isn’t a bus that comes into my town. I live in a small town, though I’m close by a decent size city. It’s a strange little area.
A bookstore sounds like a peaceful place to work, that’d be nice. I don’t necessarily like my job, I’m a waitress at a BBQ Smokehouse. I make decent money there (because of tips) and it’s close by, so it’ll have to do for now. I’ve wanted to walk out a couple of times, but I’m sucking it up and just hanging in there for now. I wish I could make money doing something creative, even though I know the money and schedule would probably kill any joy I get out of it.
What was the base for the dog biscuits? Did it by chance have pumpkin in it? That sounds like a relaxing and nice day, even if you did feel “bleh” still. I hope it brought you at least a modicum of relief
I’ve mostly lived in the same town radius too, though things are more spread out here.. where would you want to go? I’ve always thought of out West, maybe Montana or Colorado.
ha I’m the same as you in that regard, so I get it.
I’d love to go up there for a full summer sometime.. They have a cabin in the woods, perfect for completely getting away. After the trial my friend thought I should go up to visit just to get away from things, but it would’ve meant rescheduling my trip out of the country.. sigh.
That seems a bit like my town, except we have the full stores and doctors here. But it sounds like a place I wouldn’t mind being. This is actually the first time a town I’ve lived has offered any type of public transport.. Visiting cities with actual people trains was weird.
Oh gosh, I relate to sucking it up and hanging in. I worked as a cashier before, I know (especially not being a people person) how interacting (positively) all the time can get old.. sometimes it’s nice though, seeing regulars.
I could see how some aspects could take the fun out of everything, but I suppose that depends on what the job was.. not all schedules are demanding, I’d imagine. I think you could always start with something that was part time at least if you were worried about money.. I know you have talent to do something with your creativity.
It did in fact have pumpkin in it 🙂 hard to go wrong with that, or peanut butter. and they were easy to make, so win. And it was, although I got scratched by an excited pup who needed their nails clipped, but that’s all good. It did give some relief.
I used to want to go out west as well (Oregon was a top contender)now I don’t really have any clue. There are some things I really like about my current area, and then… meh idk. A big move isn’t really in the cards for me anytime soon anyway, so it is what it is.
A cabin in the woods sounds right up my alley, especially if it were in the fall… I haven’t had a vacation in a very long time.
Yea my work mask is very draining to wear, but at least I don’t work double shifts anymore, those were a doozy. The work you do now, you’re not dealing with the public all that much (just coworkers) right? Is it a factory or something like that? Sometimes I think my brother has the right idea, he works overnights so he doesn’t have to really deal with anyone at all. Then again, that would give me a free pass to fully isolate myself, and anytime that happens I spiral out. As exhausting as I find routine human interaction at times, I know without it I really start disintegrating.
Thanks for saying that, maybe some day I will truly try to do something with my ‘creative side’.
Ah, zee pups love pumpkin ^_^ it’s so good for them too. It does sound like it was a fairly nice day. I wonder how you’re feeling today?
I get that too (like vs. dislike). I think for me I liked West in part because of Fieval (did you ever see those movies?) and I’ve mostly grown up in the northeast.. lived in a few different states when I was little but stayed in this one for most my life. I think part of that wanderlust never really left me..
but as you said, can still think ahead to when it would be a viable option.
Last time I went up to visit was a couple Thanksgiving’s ago.. a bit too cold but beautiful. I went when I was leaving my job and had found my apartment (first time on my own) so I could come back to something.. the gas station you had to work there a year before getting a week, and I only did half that.
So to me vacations seem hard to get normally. I hope that changes for you soon, even if it’s only for a week.
Ha, I can imagine. I’ve driven myself crazy with overtime.
Yep, factory work. and everything is split into small areas, even on the big lines, so that’s nice, though I still don’t talk much outside of my line (and it took a LONG time to open up there). But it’s set up so you don’t have to talk much if you don’t want to.
I get the appeal of nights.. I work an afternoon shift.
And yeah, I relate to that too. Left to my own devices I sometimes just get lost in the darker parts of myself.. not good.
I hope you do.
Hahah, they really do. I’m ok at the moment. it’s been a mixed day (not sure any aren’t), but ended alright.
What about you?
Haha, yes I’ve seen the movie and even played “Fieval goes West” for Supernintendo back in the day. I also live in the Northeast, I wonder if we live near each other (same state).
Yeah, I definitely feel the urge to travel but I’m going to have to wait awhile before that’s an option again, I have a lot of other things to deal with for now.
Your workplace doesn’t sound too bad, it’s nice that it’s broken into sections and that it’s not seen as strange if you aren’t up to doing the whole social thing. It’s cool that it’s allowed you to open up a bit with the people in your little area. Yeah, if I worked overnights I’m pretty sure I would eventually go out of my mind from isolating myself. My job forces me to be social.
Meh, I’m doing okay. Worked these past couple days, but I’m off tomorrow which is always a spirit-lifter
^_^ sweet.
apparently I’m actually Northeast adjacent (Ohio). sometimes it seems a lot of the things I think I know are wrong.
Is your workplace often busy? it sounds like a place that would be, maybe with different shifts.. are your off days irregular?
regardless, I hope you had a good day with a good night too. breaks can definitely ease the load.