A Letter To Myself (poem written by me)

• dear anonymousie

there you go
ruining everything again
without even trying to
how pathetic are you?

you want to die,
and it’s so rightfully justified
because you’re mediocre at best
no matter how hard you try

you could eat healthier
exercise more
erase your past
you could do everything he wants

but who says that will make love last?

you’ve made mistakes
many terrible
some preventable
most were accidental

you can try blaming it on
being a millennial
but not all of us
are fuck ups like you

“consistency is key”
the only thing you’re consistent at
is ruining everything for me
you’re the one that won’t let you be happy

you know just how to make him hate you
you wonder why he ripped your
pictures off the wall
it’s because he can’t stand looking at you
more than he already has to
there’s no need to wonder
because he literally told you

you have a book in your heart and mind
listing every reason he hates you
it’s synonymous to why you need to die
you find a new reason every day
it’s a surprise you still manage to try
i guess you really want to redeem yourself
you really want to make him love you

you still have hope
you try not to cry
but you just can’t cope
you still think about cutting
the only reason you don’t do it
is because he will hate you even more
if that’s possible

everyday objects around you
turn into potential ways
you could end it
i heard you wondering
if the weight bench could break your neck
i saw you looking for bleach
under the bathroom sink
i was there when you couldn’t find it
so you sat there with your own hands
around your neck
but you stopped because you didn’t
want his son to see you unconscious
and that couldn’t have killed you anyway
you’re smarter than that
i heard you hoping that the procedure
you didn’t want in the first place
would end your life
you wanted to be among the few
that the procedure would kill
i saw you eyeing the ceiling fan
wondering if it could hold your weight
i’m here to say that it can’t
and before your sensitive ass gets sad,
it’s not because you’re fat.
it just wasn’t made to carry the weight
of a human with a perfectly
healthy body that you hate
and want to abuse and throw away.
i saw you holding the kitchen knife
thinking about dragging
it across your tattoo
then i saw you throw it across the room
it might have been just because you didn’t
want to hurt chibi but i’m still proud of you
because you have another arm
that would’ve worked just fine
i think that moment was a sign
a sign of control or maybe a sign
that you just don’t want to give him
another reason to leave
either way you have to believe
that you can keep fighting the urge
you’ll die one day anyway
hopefully soon but probably not
let life kill you slowly
don’t be mad that you wake up
from your slumber
be happy you got through the day
and are now one day closer to your death
and if that’s all you can be happy about
celebrate that shit
everyday you live you are one day closer
to crossing the finish line
where you can sleep and never wake up
that’s all that you want