My agonizing mind
I´m just a broken human being, some freaky joke of mother nature. Sadly, my IQ is like between 130 and 150 which always makes me overthink every little aspect of reality to the point that I feel I´m going out of my mind.
When I was a child (last time I experienced true happiness) I was always looking on other people from above because they looked just so dumb to me. I still carry some leftovers of this attitude and that may be the reason why noone actually likes me. Nowdays I just look on ordinary stupid people living their happy lifes in ignorance like sheep and I just envy them so much.
Torture in school
School is the worst thing that has happend to me so far in my life. I get bullied in school by teachers because I have a problem with respecting authorities and also because I pass exams (that other students have to work hard on for several hours) with no efford what so ever and if there is one thing that teachers can´t stand it´s exactly that. A lazy ************ that´s not paying attention in school, not learning at home and still is doing just fine. Teachers often force me to do extra stuff or just ridecule me in front of the class.
I also get bullied by my classmates (guys). They can feel my insecurities and use them to boost their own social status. (girls can sniff out my insecurities too, even more in fact, but they have no interest in bullying me so they just ignore me insted) To give you an example it looks something like this: A guy walks up to my desk and yells out loud so everyone (especially all the girls) can hear it: “Haha you will stay a virgin for the rest of your life, i bet you will die alone, depressed and a drug addict.” And I´m just there staring at him unable to do anything. I´m not small or weak and I could probably beat his ass up but violence was just never my thing. When I try to respond and insult him back he yells loud something like: “look how unstaple and agressive he is, everybody better stay away from this guy.”
My inability to seduce any female
I´m almost 19 years old virgin. In fact I´ve never even kissed, hugged or held hands with any girl. I would say
I´m actually quite good looking (like 8 or 9/10) but that´s no use since as a male no matter how good I look I always gotta make the first move and I simply lack the confidence to do that. Girls prefer dominant guys like the ones that bully me, it´s just a part of their nature. Dont get me wrong tho, I dont wanna sound like the guys that just blame all women for their failed sexual life. The problem lies in my mind not in the outside world.
I was on a “date” once in my life. I ´ve met a girl that didn´t know anything about me before so I thought that´s my chance. She was clearly physically attracted to me so I went on a date with her but I was acting so cringy it just hurted me inside. It was the most painful hour of my life in fact. The worst part was that I could feel how my awkwardness makes her feel uncomfortable and tortures her. I was shaking, or I just froze completly unable to hold her hand or say anything. I could clearly see the relief in her face as I was saying goodbye to her and I knew I would never see her again. After that, the same evening I just drank myself into unconsciousness.
My addiction
I´ve tried countless substances (legal and illegal) to medicate myself from my depresion. The one that resonated with me the most is cannabis. I smoke about 2-3 grams of weed per day, I just get high right after I come back from school and then I mostly play video games, watch youtube or do other useless stuff. If it wasnt for weed tho, I would probably just lie in my bed despising myself and contemplating suicide all day. (like I do in school) I know this offers only temporary escape but since I´m determined to kill myself one day escape is all I need right now. I can´t lie and I always tell the truth (I hate that about myself) so everyone knows I´m an addict and that boosts the stigma arond me even more. People just dont want to have anyhing with me. They stay away.
Why am I still here
You may wonder why I still havent killed myself to this day. The reason is my two little sisters. They are too young to deal with such serious thing as a suicide of a close family member and I could never do that to them. I´m just looking forward to some day (perhaps when I will be like 30 or so) when my sisters will be old enaugh and have their own families and I will finally be free to leave this world. In fact this thought is like a light at the end of a tunnel for me.
19 comments
Mine too. I’m the biggest mistake in the history of the world
You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. You haven’t even started your life yet. You are still a baby
I feel you. How can god exist in this universe if I exist here aswell.
Hey, I’m of the same type as you and several years older. A few questions; my paragraphs correspond to your headings.
Above it all
Are you sure that childhood was your last period of true happiness? What’s the likelihood that your present state is causing you to retroactively idealize the past? Have you considered the inevitable increase of the relative complexity of your life as a salient factor? Do you ever consider the extent to which the happy shiny people at your school are pretending to keep up appearances? By the way, IQ is a bullshit metric that conflates spatial/pattern-finding intelligence with general cognition.
Future grocery-baggers
High school sucks and the bullies will almost certainly be fat, balding losers in minimum-wage jobs 10 years from now, if they’re not dead. How often do you work out, participate in team sports, or other group extra-curriculars? Have you honestly tried building camaraderie with some of the smarter jocks? Do you rub your scholastic excellence in your teachers’ faces? I learned to present the facade of a model student, thereby enabling the freedom to skip classes and basically do whatever I wanted with no consequences.
Girl troubles
Read “She Comes First” and learn cunnilingus. These dumb teenagers will confuse a drunken pounding for quality sex because they don’t know any better. Have you ever been explicitly honest about your desires before? Like, “I think we should become lovers” or “Let’s get to know each other, I’d enjoy going down on you”? That EXUDES confidence. Also, when you’re with a girl, do you keep sex/expectations in the forefront of your mind? That poisons your thoughts and causes hesitation, which girls sense from a mile away. Just focus on (1) getting to know her and (2) expect nothing.
Drugs
Weed makes you awkward and atrophies your brain’s ability to effectively use serotonin, leading to chronic unhappiness in the long term. No questions here except every QP smoked is a lost IRA contribution.
Family
Have you ever talked to your family about this? Don’t mention the S-word or methods, they might freak. Just, “Can we talk about things that make me unhappy?”
Peace out. more to come later if you want. kinda rushed on my end
Hello and thanks for reply. It means alot. When I read my original post now it came off a lot more braggy then i intended. To answer some of your questions: Im pretty sure bout the childhood thing, sure i get moments of joy nowdays too but there is always depresion creeping on me hidden in the back of my mind and I don´t think it always was like that.
I don´t really think that there is a chance that I will get “better job” then these fkers coz they are skilled in licking peoples asses which is a skill that is needed in this society and I lack it completly. As I said I´m always honest even if people dont like what I say, that pisses off my teachers and will piss off my boss for sure too. Im totally disgusted by the idea of presenting myself under some facade coz thats just the way I am. See I have just a weird personality af, Im too proud to humble myself before authorities and yet i hate and despise myself all the time.
Its not like I dont socialise at all, I have some “friends” but those are just people that visit the same class as me and we occasionally get high or drunk together and thats it. They dont care bout me. If it were another random person in my place insted of me they wouldnt care.
How can I tell to a girl “I think we should become lovers” if Im scared shitless just to say hi 🙂
And no, I´m not craving for sex, like sure i´d like some but thats not rly the thing i´m primary lookin for. I´d just like someone that would understand me and atleast somewhat cope with me.
Also how can i practise cunnilingus without girls? 😀 Also I think I should first practise touching a womens arm without shitting my pants before i explore these higher levels 🙂
I am completly aware that weed is doing more harm than good but I just cant help myself when its the only thing that numbs my mind and makes me forget for a moment what a piece of shit I am. Plus I think its for sure better then benzos or some other shit and I just can´t remain in my sober state for long period of time atm. Tried microdosing lsd but it just made me restless and horny.
Ha! Psychedelics also make me really horny. That’s partly why they’re my drug of choice. 🙂 Remaining sober has been a challenge for me too, and it’s quite hard work to quit/reduce weed and alcohol.
I ask these questions not because I expect answers, but because you’re a carbon copy of me 10 years ago and they might put you in a productive train of thought. Only difference: you’re much more self-aware than I was then. It’s just some stuff to think about.
You’re not wrong to think that most people are basically mindless sheep, that authority figures are self-righteous pricks, or that kissing ass is degrading. That’s all quite true, far beyond high school. The trick is to leverage these vulnerabilities in the human psyche for your own benefit: to secure enough freedom to do whatever you want. 😉
A good example is a traffic stop. If you shut up and say “yes officer, thank you officer, very well officer,” you get to go home and be free. If you remind that they’re a pig and that their job is stressful, has terrible hours, and everyone hates them, they’ll arrest you out of spite. The vulnerability to leverage is their own inflated ego. At the end of the day, they’re the ones who get paid to harass random teenagers at midnight.
Re: practicing cunnilingus. You don’t have to be a casanova of legendary lovemaking prowess to get ahead. You simply have to know the female anatomy. Most of the girls your age will have probably never experienced an orgasm except by masturbation, so even knowing what a fourchette is puts you in the top 1%. If health education is the same, there’s probably still no detailed discussion of the sex organs besides “man = penis, woman = vagina.”
An important part of realizing how boring and stupid everyone is: the bar is correspondingly low. I spent the whole summer seriously wanting to kill myself, yet with the basic minimum effort, things are already looking up way faster than I anticipated. It’s kind of scary.
One parting thought. Don’t repress your weirdness in any way, just focus on achieving the best expression of it. Quality people will appreciate it, but you must seek them out and it takes some effort.
You’ll do fine. 🙂
P.S. Watch Daria
Don’t know why you speak of sex like that, it’s like putting your dick into a raw ham.
The “sex = intercourse” paradigm is what I’m trying to dismantle here.
OP, in case it’s not clear, I’m not saying to go up to a random girl and suggest going down on her without preamble.
You’re right to focus first on getting dates and being comfortable around women in non-sexual contexts. Overcoming a fear of rejection will be a huge step in your personal growth, not only in sexual matters. Think jobs, where you might apply to 50 places, get 5 phone interviews, then 1 in-person interview. This is normal and doesn’t indicate failure or incompetence on your part.
Just wanted to clarify so you don’t say something rapey based on an internet guy’s advice, get burned, and sink deeper into depression. You can’t not succeed as long as you try, you’re obviously a cut above the rest.
So, you are in school. You know what I did in high school, I smoked weed in between class periods during lunch break. Coming to school high was quite the experience made me feel all high and mighty and sh*t especially if you feel self-assured. I know cause I love weed. I am sorry you have to be all isolated and sh*t. I am the rare breed and I prefer it so so much. I actually think there are too many folks in the world!! Your life sounds awesome right f*cking now id love to be in your position, like I can’t smoke weed so I mostly do the second. I was put on probation yada yada because I smoked and drove (oh my god no big deal right, well apparently they have a cock up there @ss over here and can’t get over it.. republican Christian world) well f*ck thanks for posting this is fun to talk on this.. I think you worry too much find yourself a talent or something you can boast on… it’s easy to love yourself so try…. I mean you don’t need them others anyway…. your day is here high and bright 😀
Lol i cant smoke at school. Tried a couple times and I just got so fking anxious i started shaking violently and everyone could tell im high af. I smoke and drive my motorcycle too (you can say im irresponsible and shit but i can drive just fine while high) but over here shitt is decriminalized so its not that big of a deal.
Damn your lucky I’ve always dreamed of driving a motorcycle…. I’m the same though lol best driver in my drivers ed class in high school so I can drive high no problem at all.. 700 days on house arrest… I lived in my car….. I’ve walked about 1000 miles the first year then I stopped moving because I started getting night terrors now I can’t move or go outside.. I guess that’s why I’m here today.. it’s funny though because I was going to jump off a cliff for suicide the very next day (no doubt about it) then a cop followed me and took my license .. aww :'( I was having like my “last night on earth” celebration… I drank a bottle of wine and was driving home going to sleep to prepare for the next day when I was going to commit…. instead I was arrested and I have 700 days house arrest thus far. My BAC was .081. The illegal limit is .08
Damn that sucks, maybe that means something tho and one day you will thank that fkin police officer :). Also can you get ur weed on house arrest? Do they like check ur mail and stuff? just curious
Your brain will continue to change until you’re 25. At 19 there’s still a lot of hormonal/ cognitive predispositions specific to that stage of development. In addition, an intelligent person will have an increased ability to review their life, identify core issues and develop plans for counteracting them.
This can take time, especially if you must recover from an extended period of depression. May take some years, but at some point you will get over the top of the hill and momentum will be on your side.
On the other hand, IQ is not the sole determining factor of success or happiness. My older brother was similar to what you describe. Like 130 IQ didn’t have to try to succeed (when he wanted to) in school, yet lacked social skills and emotional intelligence.
He did not integrate. Continued to believe everyone around him was beneath him yet hating himself for what he envied in them. He hung himself at 19.
It;s not an uncommon story. But the things you describe are all the sort of issues you look back on later and think “was that really an issue back then?”
Also try lsd. I agree with that.
I bet they were beneath him.
I’m sorry for your loss but it was his personal choice
One of my biggest issues is when others try to speak for someone who has committed suicide (or ever)
You don’t know his reasonings unless he told you word for word
“IM KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS BELOW ME YET I STILL ENVY THEM BECAUSE I CANT INTEGRATE MY IQ INTO A SOCIAL LIFE WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE”
I’m not blaming you for saying that’s why he did it
But I mean everyone everywhere shouldn’t assume things
He probably did it tbh because you speak like that
Oh okay, anything else about my life you’d like to inform me about? Seeing as you know it better than I?
Not talking on yours talking on his haha I joke
Again I am sorry for your loss
I´ve obviosly tried lsd in large doses (along with MDMA,2-CB,ketamine,DMT, shrooms you name it…) I had really good time on acid and other psychs too but its just like its a couple hours of joy since my shitty ego gets desolved but then I come back and its all the same all over again, same shitty life.