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She was drunk.  Doesn’t that make it my fault?  She was raped before.  That’s the only reason she did it.  She wouldn’t have done it to me if it wasn’t done to her.  She was too drunk to know what she was doing and it wasn’t her fault, right?  And God will condemn me for adultery and homosexuality.  She’s taken any chance of heaven away from me.  She stripped me of any hope for a future.  There is nothing after this.  Not even death could let me escape this hell.  It’s never going to end and I am going to continue to be tortured by all of this.  I should’ve told her no.  She would’ve listened, even if she was drunk.  I didn’t even try to stop her.  Maybe it wasn’t even rape then, since I didn’t tell her not to.  I couldn’t say anything because I couldn’t call for help and my brother and sister were sleeping.  I could’ve figured something else out, though.  I always do.  I have to.  I have to find a way out.  I can’t be trapped like this anymore.

Besides, she’s a good person now.  Why am I still harping on about something that happened 8 years ago?  I should’ve dealt with it when it happened.  Why did my brain shove this away until recently?  Maybe I have to live in this hell.  It’s my punishment.  I shouldn’t have fucked everything up for her anyway.  I ruined her life.  I ruin everything.  I am a mistake.

I won’t escape because I can’t escape.

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8 comments

freeroma 10/6/2018 - 11:07 pm

No, it wasn’t your fault. Not for it having happened, not for it affecting you. Even “dealing with it”, not just a one and done deal, either. Thoughts like “Could’ve” won’t do anything but hurt you.
I dont think you ruined her life, either, nor that any type of good God would condemn someone for something like this.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

AKidWithAName 10/8/2018 - 10:37 am

Thank you. I did ruin her life, though, when I was born. It fucked everything in the family up.

freeroma 10/8/2018 - 11:26 am

That wouldn’t be you ruining her life. You didn’t choose to be born, you happened to be. If she had issues adjusting then that’s something she should have dealt with without taking anything out on you. There’s no excuse for her behavior.

Lifelong Loser 10/7/2018 - 1:52 am

I’m sorry too.. But am a bit confused.

Are you a girl who was raped by another girl who had been raped previously?

Or did I screw that up?

AKidWithAName 10/8/2018 - 10:36 am

You’re correct. She was raped when she was 19 and she raped me when I was 10 and she was in her 30s. She was drunk and she was having trouble dealing with it, and I was a shitty kid, so I guess it makes sense why it happened.

maddie_kay 10/8/2018 - 12:16 pm

What. Jesus Christ no no no. There is nothing a child could do that would make them deserve to be raped. You were a kid. And I know that we’re not supposed to get into religion here so ill do my best to not try and preach or anything, I’m guessing you’re catholic or christian or something along those lines? You did nothing wrong, something terrible happened to you and it was from a family member who was supposed to take care of you. There’s no way youd “go to hell” or be punished for something like that for something that was done to you. I really hope youve talked to someone about this incident and your feelings about it.

CannotWin 10/22/2018 - 3:12 pm

This really struck a chord with me. My mother sexually violated me for many years. I’m almost 40 and the damage is evident. I feel it consumed all my chances in life due to their neglect and abuse. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and thank you for writing this. It made me feel less alone, less of a freak. I can’t tell you how many doctors and psychiatrists have actually told me at least a woman did because it was not violent. Load of shit, as it was violent and traumatic.

AKidWithAName 12/2/2018 - 9:22 pm

Thank you so much as well. I know that it’s just as violent and traumatic. Gender of the abuser doesn’t mean shit. My mom, having been raped violently herself, was really violent when she did it to me. I promise that you’re not a freak. Nobody talks about women like this, and I appreciate you sharing that with me. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one. I hope you’re doing well.

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