She was drunk. Doesn’t that make it my fault? She was raped before. That’s the only reason she did it. She wouldn’t have done it to me if it wasn’t done to her. She was too drunk to know what she was doing and it wasn’t her fault, right? And God will condemn me for adultery and homosexuality. She’s taken any chance of heaven away from me. She stripped me of any hope for a future. There is nothing after this. Not even death could let me escape this hell. It’s never going to end and I am going to continue to be tortured by all of this. I should’ve told her no. She would’ve listened, even if she was drunk. I didn’t even try to stop her. Maybe it wasn’t even rape then, since I didn’t tell her not to. I couldn’t say anything because I couldn’t call for help and my brother and sister were sleeping. I could’ve figured something else out, though. I always do. I have to. I have to find a way out. I can’t be trapped like this anymore.
Besides, she’s a good person now. Why am I still harping on about something that happened 8 years ago? I should’ve dealt with it when it happened. Why did my brain shove this away until recently? Maybe I have to live in this hell. It’s my punishment. I shouldn’t have fucked everything up for her anyway. I ruined her life. I ruin everything. I am a mistake.
I won’t escape because I can’t escape.