It’s About Damn Time to Say Goodbye

I remember when I was told the greatest lie of my life when I was a kid. I was told by my parents that “God put me here and he has a plan.” I actually believed that incredibly idiotic claim. From that moment I lived my life based on that totally foolish idea.

I thought my life had purpose, meaning, that all the bs I went through was just a test from God. Finally, in my early teens, I started seeing big holes/contradictions in religious claims.

Once I began to doubt religion and accept that it was manmade, not divine, it didn’t take very long after to finally realize it was all just a scam.

And of course then I knew that I’m here not because of a God but because of my stupid loser parents doing the deed. I was mad at them and religion. I then realized all of my flaws are due to getting my parents genes, not a divine plan.

Perhaps the worst realization was that it was probably better that I was not born at all. I say worst because it means that suicide would have been the right decision for me.

I was right in so many ways. My life was shit, I missed out on a lot of things that others got to experience, mostly because we were poor. I experienced suicidal and depressive thoughts on and off throughout my life and I could keep going.

Anyways there was a time I planned to seriously end my life but it also became a turning point for me. After hating myself and my parents for so many years for putting me here, I decided to see if I could turn things around and live the life I always wanted.

It wasn’t easy and I’m nowhere near my goal yet but things did get better for me. More importantly, I had a couple of family members who would’ve ended up on the streets without my help so I’m glad I stuck around to help them.

My life wasn’t all that bad, I had some great times as well but they were just a small fraction of what I wished I could’ve had. Some days though I still want to end my life-but I carry on because I’m helping people out and there are some goals I want to accomplish before I go.

If there was an easy way to end one’s life that was fast and painless, like it was in the old days when you could buy N off the shelf, I would’ve probably done it already, despite others suffering from not having me around. I would’ve just encouraged them to do the same thing I did before I left.

Ultimately it’s up to each person to decide if they want to keep going or not. For now I’ve decided to put up with the daily suffering I endure, with the hope that my future will be much better than my present. If in about 5-10 years I’m not doing much better than I will end it.