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it´s been a while

by plasticflower

i haven´t been here for over a year, and i really need to empty my brain, so here´s a bit of the mess that´s going on in my head


i tried to hide it more, so they wouldn´t notice. I guess I got too good at hiding it because now she thinks i´m doing so much better. And maybe I am, but it  doesn´t really feel like it. I feel like soon i´ll break; and I don´t know if I can or want to stop it. Today she said, “I think you´re doing much better now. Do you still think you need to see a therapist?”. i want to, but last time i panicked when they asked if i´d ever experienced anything  sexual with others. i was ashamed, so I lied. I guess a part of me thought they´d say it wasn´t a big deal. I lied so much that time. So it´s no wonder they said I seemed alright. I just wasted their time, like I normally do.

i don´t think she remembers what happened all those years ago. She probably doesn´t. but why do I have to remember? Seems a bit unfair, but whatever. Lately i´ve found myself spending more time in fictional worlds than the real one, which isn´t really surprising, but it´s a bit worrying.

i feel like everyone is moving forward, doing better and being happy. Everyone but me. I feel stuck in the past, like the me today is with the me from around 13 years ago. It´s disorientating, to say the least. I´ve been trying to keep my mind busy, doing something all the time, but it may be making things worse, because I know i´m just ignoring the problem, and I know it´s gonna blow up in my face sooner or later. At this point in my life, all I want is to disappear. It doesn´t even have to be death, I just want to go somewhere far away, where I don´t have to worry about anything. I want the peace of mind that was taken away from me that day. The day I said yes, and thinking nothing bad was going to happen. The day I technically gave consent but was like 7 years old so I obviously couldn´t give consent to anything of that sort. Sadly, that took a lot of time to get to terms with. i´ve been blaming myself for a while. However, I realized that it´s not my fault. And i´m so glad I did. Better late than never, huh?

Will I ever let it go? Am I being annoying? Am I just being dramatic? Others have it worse. Maybe me being upset about it is stupid and I shouldn´t be. I don´t know.

i´m so tired. So tired of everything. But as always, I won´t do anything. Because I want others to be happy. And I know that if I did what i´ve been wanting to do for many years, it´d be troublesome. So I won´t do it. Not ever, probably. I still want to, but i´ll stick around for a while I suppose.

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a1957 12/9/2018 - 10:12 pm

My therapist never asked about anything sexually inappropriate during childhood. But, every time somebody mentions it I feel as if something happened to me. I have numerous symptoms suggesting it too. Who, what, when, where I have no idea. Probably never will. Even so it can be processed in therapy and as nasty as the symptoms are yeah I will be handling this in therapy.

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