Sometimes I think about destination. It’s kind of like the other direction of thinking, towards where I came from. There’s sadness in both directions.
It’s not really a place, but the language of place and distance makes more sense for this than trying to explain a project and the process that must be completed before the project is done. That means the process becomes the journey, and completion the destination. Everyone keeping up?
So I think about destination and I wonder if the destination even matters. The world seems to reward me more for going somewhere more than getting there. I don’t even know if when I get there it will be a place worth being, but I’m going to try and get there.
Right, practical terms, this is where I’m at:
-30 years old (31 in a month and 5 days)
-living in a city I don’t like, don’t fit in
-Associates degree in psychology, 81-95 hours in.
-working on double major Bachelor’s of Science in Computer Science and Psychology, need 145-155 hours total
-minimum 3 semesters to go, possibly as many as 6
-want to get into graduate school for a PhD at the end of undergrad
-no job, no time for a job
-taking care of a fiance, a roommate and on weekends her little girl
-religious but don’t go to church
-taken care of, but constantly feeling ungrateful in face of it all.
So I’m more than halfway through. I’m getting there. I just don’t know if there is where I want to be. I know that I don’t want to be here. This place…. it’s not terrible, I’ve been in worse situations. It just isn’t what I was going for. It would appear that though I am resourceful, I’m not resourceful enough to get out of this specific place. It feels like being invisible. Longing to be seen, known, appreciated. It isn’t like people don’t like me, but anxiety, depression, couldn’t it be better? Maybe.
It sucks, being alone and being the cause of it.
I think about lyrics:
There aint no coupe deville hiding at the bottom of a cracker jack box – Meatloaf
Life is a lemon and I want my money back – Meatloaf
It might sound mean but this digging machine’s gonna leave your feelings hurt. You’re gonna dig right down to the center of the earth and find out that there’s nothing there but dirt, just dirt, no women, just dirt. Aww Man! – Logan Whitehurst