Home Chronic Pain *I really needed to vent before I take the leap tonight. *And yes, all of the info below is quite true.
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*I really needed to vent before I take the leap tonight. *And yes, all of the info below is quite true.

by BLUE EYED BLOND

Birthday is 12/30/75. I’m 5’0″, giant blue eyes, with long blonde hair…I had major back surgery, so I now have screws, plates and nuts drilled into my lumbar spine. I don’t sleep, I barely eat, I can’t work–I can only stand, sit or lay down for very short periods of time. I am suddenly homeless, I have no family or friends, I have zero income because I’m waiting for social security disability and cannot work. I have no medical insurance, so I am currently off all my mental health meds.(6 of them).I have major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and panic disorder. I suffer from god-awful pain every single day. I am also currently off my three pain meds. I am suicidal every day, all day. I can’t believe I haven’t done it yet. I had 2 successful careers, making a very good income before I got hurt. My entire life was stolen from me. On top of everything else, about 4 years ago, my husband was violated on parole, with a bogus charge. I lost my 3 month old son, my husband, my apartment, all source of income. I’ve been railroaded by the Nj DYFS department, taking my son because I was on maintenance pain meds. The drs knew, they made sure I stayed on my pain meds, because I would have had a definite miscarriage. I’ve struggled to stay alive in homeless shelters, staying outside in the cold, couch surfing, and starving. I’ve been beaten, raped, beat with a pistol, robbed (including all of my IDs, etc), and so much more. I’ve had a completely miserable, poor, and difficult life as a whole. Before I got hurt, everything in my life had drastically improved-life was actually wonderful! I had all the bills paid without difficulty, new cars with my ex, we had a new home built, we had my daughter, and so much more.. How quickly an entire life can disappear! A person can take only so much terror, nightmares, heartache, and difficult times before giving up. I was currently with a boyfriend for the last year and a half. He broke up with me in September, leaving me noplace to live, etc… AGAIN, I have been struggling, and hating every minute of my existence. I would give up on my social security disability claim, and at least try and go back to work. But I can’t even do that because I have no identification. Nor do I have the money needed to request a new social security card, a new birth certificate, or new state id/license. I cannot even reapply for food stamps, a homeless shelter or medicaid again without those documents. I have no address to even receive mail, because I am now homeless. (and you need ID and cash to get a PO Box-I did try and look into that.) No matter what I do, I am just in a neverending, painfilled nightmare. I’m also heartbroken after losing the man I truly thought I’d be with for the rest of our lives. I have never needed anyone or anything in my entire life, but somehow he has my heart and soul… I am truly devastated. All of these things are so insurmountable, I just want to get out of this world- my nonstop mental and physical pain I constantly endure. I just needed to vent, before I take that leap tonight. I really can’t even wait. I just pray to God, that I’m allowed through Heaven’s gates, after having committed suicide. If possible, can you please say a prayer for me, as I could really use it right now? (as I said, I don’t have any family, or any friends to even help me with this void) thank you.

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10 comments

a1957 1/1/2019 - 3:37 pm

By prayer, did you mean about offing yourself or about some or all of the other badness going on right now?

Martin1987 1/1/2019 - 3:45 pm

I sincerely hope that you enter the gates of heaven, and I’m not a very religious person, but today I will pray for you.

a1957 1/1/2019 - 4:40 pm

Maybe this will help with one of your concerns. There are at least seven suicides recorded in the Bible. In every instance, the suicides were neither condemned nor condoned.

Once 1/1/2019 - 5:17 pm

Assuming that we’ve had the endless, emotionally charged discussion about the existence of “god”, and the concensus is yes, I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that a power wise enough to create a universe of seemingly endless proportions, whose nature is the subject of ceaseless argument and debate by narrow-minded egotistical humans who insist on placing him into neat little boxes of religious convenience, is capable of understanding and taking into consideration the reasons why we wish to and do take our own lives. What’s the point of a “god” that doesn’t share and understand the pain of its creations? Maybe “god” gets it. Maybe, maybe not. So here’s a silent prayer for you.

BestIdiot 1/1/2019 - 8:51 pm

You’re a real strong person. You make me feel really pathetic for wanting to commit suicide for such foolish things happening to me.
I cant pray for you, since I dont believe in God thus it would be pointless. But I do wish your life gets better, that is, if you dont commit suicide.

headupunderdarkcloud 1/1/2019 - 8:53 pm

Of course I’ll pray for you. This is all so much to endure. I’m so sorry. My heart going out to you

Soda 1/2/2019 - 1:35 am

Sorry to hear that there isn’t even one person in your life who could help you get back on your feet, at least provide you with an address to receive mail and a little cash so that you could receive your ID to obtain social security and other benefits that someone in your position deserves.

I had a family member who was in a similar position but her health was ok. However we helped her out and then eventually she was able to support herself.

Some people have started ‘Go Fund Me’ accounts. If you share your story perhaps there are people out there who could help you out. I’ve heard it’s worked for some people. Some who were homeless got money that way. It couldn’t hurt to try.

I’m not religious but I truly wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Cause of Death: Suicide 1/2/2019 - 9:46 am

Are you back? How did it go? As an attemptee that failed I’d like to check in to see if you are still with us.

Petstrains 1/2/2019 - 7:24 pm

Sorry to hear everything is going so bad right now.

iwishiamdead 5/11/2019 - 12:08 am

Pray for you

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