*I really needed to vent before I take the leap tonight. *And yes, all of the info below is quite true.

  January 1st, 2019 by BLUE EYED BLOND

Birthday is 12/30/75. I’m 5’0″, giant blue eyes, with long blonde hair…I had major back surgery, so I now have screws, plates and nuts drilled into my lumbar spine. I don’t sleep, I barely eat, I can’t work–I can only stand, sit or lay down for very short periods of time. I am suddenly homeless, I have no family or friends, I have zero income because I’m waiting for social security disability and cannot work. I have no medical insurance, so I am currently off all my mental health meds.(6 of them).I have major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and panic disorder. I suffer from god-awful pain every single day. I am also currently off my three pain meds. I am suicidal every day, all day. I can’t believe I haven’t done it yet. I had 2 successful careers, making a very good income before I got hurt. My entire life was stolen from me. On top of everything else, about 4 years ago, my husband was violated on parole, with a bogus charge. I lost my 3 month old son, my husband, my apartment, all source of income. I’ve been railroaded by the Nj DYFS department, taking my son because I was on maintenance pain meds. The drs knew, they made sure I stayed on my pain meds, because I would have had a definite miscarriage. I’ve struggled to stay alive in homeless shelters, staying outside in the cold, couch surfing, and starving. I’ve been beaten, raped, beat with a pistol, robbed (including all of my IDs, etc), and so much more. I’ve had a completely miserable, poor, and difficult life as a whole. Before I got hurt, everything in my life had drastically improved-life was actually wonderful! I had all the bills paid without difficulty, new cars with my ex, we had a new home built, we had my daughter, and so much more.. How quickly an entire life can disappear! A person can take only so much terror, nightmares, heartache, and difficult times before giving up. I was currently with a boyfriend for the last year and a half. He broke up with me in September, leaving me noplace to live, etc… AGAIN, I have been struggling, and hating every minute of my existence. I would give up on my social security disability claim, and at least try and go back to work. But I can’t even do that because I have no identification. Nor do I have the money needed to request a new social security card, a new birth certificate, or new state id/license. I cannot even reapply for food stamps, a homeless shelter or medicaid again without those documents. I have no address to even receive mail, because I am now homeless. (and you need ID and cash to get a PO Box-I did try and look into that.) No matter what I do, I am just in a neverending, painfilled nightmare. I’m also heartbroken after losing the man I truly thought I’d be with for the rest of our lives. I have never needed anyone or anything in my entire life, but somehow he has my heart and soul… I am truly devastated. All of these things are so insurmountable, I just want to get out of this world- my nonstop mental and physical pain I constantly endure. I just needed to vent, before I take that leap tonight. I really can’t even wait. I just pray to God, that I’m allowed through Heaven’s gates, after having committed suicide. If possible, can you please say a prayer for me, as I could really use it right now? (as I said, I don’t have any family, or any friends to even help me with this void) thank you.

Processing your request, Please wait....