a beast has just ripped out my heart

you can skip the first paragraph

i used to be suicidal some years ago, but i tried really hard and now i’m actually successful. i’m a computer engineering student and my grades are so good that i can go for masters degree without entrance exam. i’m a digital artist too and i’m currently an intern in a game development studio. it’s what i always wanted. although having to study hard and working at the same time is sometimes overwhelming, but it’s good. it makes me feel productive. it’s cool. i also actually managed losing one of my good friends (he’s alive, we’re just not friends anymore -though we both love eachother- ). even the scars all over my body(i used to pick my skin) are almost healed and i almost feel like a normal person!

in a nutshell: i have survived and i’m happy. or let’s say ‘was’ happy till yesterday.

my mom has been sick for months now and doctors don’t know what it is. and few days ago they said she should be hospitalized for a few days. yesterday i found out that she’s going to be there for about another week, which means she’s not going home in new years holiday(i mean Norooz holiday which is about two weeks, and it’s like the most important thing we celebrate each year. i’ve been  waiting for spring and Norooz holiday for three months now!). but the reason i’m here 3 a.m crying and typing helplessly is not that actually. the worst part is my mom says she doesn’t want my sisters to know about this because they will “worry” and we’re going to tell them that we’re on a trip for few days(which is a good excuse for mom’s absence in new year). I understand that why we don’t tell my biggest sister (she’s pregnant) but i REALLY don’t get it why shouldn’t we tell my other sister. i’d deal with this way more easier if i could have her support and she lives really close to us and i really wanted to spend time with her in this fucking holiday. ok maybe it sounds selfish. i have to say i’m a strong person and it’s not like… i mean of course i don’t want to hurt anyone with bad news but the thing is that i suffered from being left alone at childhood and now it’s just the same thing again!

let me explain. when i was a kid my grandma used to call my mom and order her to take my hand and come visit her. i hated my grandma(i basically hate sick old people) and i had to spend my precious childhood time at their stupid village where everyone was old and boring. she didn’t have computer or good TV, and most importantly my sisters would stay at home and enjoyed their time together(you know when your mom is not around you can do stupid fun things at home) while i’m suffering from this deep feeling of loneliness and being left alone in a far away place with sick old people. i hate sick old people. just because my sisters were older and they had more important  studying stuff to do, i had to be brought to my grandma in order to “make her feel less alone”. i thought i would never have to deal with the same situation again specially because my grandma died few years ago.

and yet here we are, my mom is sick and i have to be alone in this. tonight i have to stay at hospital because my dad is going to his mothers house (which is sick and old by the way) and doesn’t want me to be alone at night, while my sisters are going to spend their night together (after like forever, we three at last could have been free enough to be together). i cried a lot last night (and now i’m all puffy and ugly)

it’s a bit surprise to myself that this can make me feel so bad. i mean 6 months ago a guy that used to be my best friend turned out to be a jerk and did something really bad to me (i’m not gonna bore you with detail) but i handled it so well that now every time he sees me he looks like a cockroach that has just been stepped on. but this… THIS… i mean i should be mature enough and make everything easy for my dear mom but all i can think about is how i was left alone in my childhood and this painful DEEP feeling of being lonely that had chased me down for a long time and i feel like a beast ripped out my heart with a claw and… and… there we go… i’m crying again…

it’s like everything was good and now suddenly a very angry little baby is awakened in my head and i can’t ignore it( i tried) and i don’t know what to do with it.

i love my middle sister so much i just want to spend my holiday with her and i think not letting her “worry” is not good enough reason to keep me away from her. and i thinks that my mom and dad don’t really understand how much this thing is killing me.

please tell me i’m not a heartless ***** that i don’t worry about my mom and i want to have fun with my holiday (which apparently i can’t)