For, how many days can I hibernate before people forget my existence? But would it really be such a bad thing?

  March 26th, 2019 by Daisy_rosieismyrealname

People don’t really get it. It’s easy for me to put a smile on my face and tell people I’m fine. It just feels like hell dragging myself out of bed to do it. I get stuck in a situation of ‘no, I haven’t left my bed in four days, haven’t showered or eaten a decent meal but yes I’m fine, can’t you see the smile on my face?’ Lying is easy. Recently I feel completely unmotivated, numb, bored, tired and solitary. In fact, pretending to be OK is the only real relief. At least then I can feel like I’m worth something, others can believe I’m successful, driven and determined, when I haven’t been that in weeks.
People get confused by that though. They expect the façade to have dropped a month ago when morning’s became the real nightmare, or a month before that when I began to self-harm again. They expect failed attempts to smile through tears, public displays of despair. They don’t expect the sudden announcement that I don’t want to continue anymore.
I know I’m living a contradiction. I wake up with the promise I can eventually go back to sleep. I sit through class unable to concentrate and counting down the singular minutes until the bell rings. I talk to my friends in the hope that I’ll find something genuinely funny and sound a convincing laugh. The internal effort no one sees and now I’m scared I’ll piss people off when they see the cracks. I’ve led people on. Given them a false sense of security, a trust in my well being, permission to believe in me. I gave the impression I was on the other side, they’ve placed their bets, but I’ve been secretly losing the battle and now their investment in me has gone to waste.
I tell them, I don’t want to talk to anybody, see my friends or get out of bed. It seems hypocritical then when I go out to parties, or friends houses and have a good time because I’ve taken six shots. I don’t want to talk to anybody, see my friends or get out of bed, but I realise that I need people around me, I need to do my schoolwork and I need to appear fine… and so I must do it anyway. For, how many days can I hibernate before people forget my existence? But would it really be such a bad thing?

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