It’s been one month today since I failed to hang myself. Don’t know why I am still trying to survive but I am. Wonder how long this will though. Not been there for a while, hide to avoid ending in the loony bin again so… Told my therapist k kind of freaked out but she has so many clients I can’t see her more than every 2 to 3 weeks. Can’t get proper meds/help so I have to figure things mostly by myself. Figure how to live with flashbacks /dysphoria /generalised anxiety /depression /narcissistic Mum and somehow pass my exams for college. My body and soul are in so much pain but I gave the rope to a friend. I know people around me are well intentioned. I wish I could reach out to them. But I can’t trust anyone, I can’t bear anyone seeing that ugly, useless, evil, worthless, suicidal part of me. So here I am, again.
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Hanging, my brother hung himself. Most people think they are hanging themselves but nope, most are actually strangling themselves to death. And that’s a slow and painful way to go. The lungs slowly fill with blood and that is eventually what suffocates them, but that can take up to 3 or 4 days, hanging there, with the brain slowly dying and the person dying a terrible death.
When I went to pick up my brothers things from the coroner, a 25ish woman, when she realized who I was she looked and me and started crying. I didn’t want to know what she knew, but it must be even a worse way to go than I am aware of if a coroner would cry, knowing what she did.
I would strongly advise against hanging. It almost certainly won’t be quick or easy.
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You’d be surprised how many of your friends have the same things going on inside them…or will have, or have had…or do but at a different stage than you. Real friends, will talk to you about anything you’d like to, and the ones who won’t, that doesn’t mean they are not your friends, only that they have their own ways of doing things. and their own struggles they are dealing with.
What’s the worst that can happen if you talk to a friend about whats going on? They may not understand you or where you’re at in life, but they might? And if they don’t they may understand that you need a friend, and just be one to you, even if they don’t understand.
Living with the attitude of ‘I can’t trust anyone’ is a crappy way for you to live. Why do that to yourself? I trust everyone until they give me a deliberate, purposeful reason not to, then I have nothing to do with them again. But why write off all the good and trusting people you might meet…by deciding they are all un-trustable. When that simply isn’t true.
I treat complete strangers as I would be treated. If one asked me to hold on to his/her million dollars in cash…they’d find every dollar waiting for them when they came to pick it up, and I’m broke and disabled so I could use the money! lol
There are a lot of people out there…most, who have a lot of integrity, kindness and love to give, you just need to find those types of people, and avoid those who do not value those things. You have to be patient as you look for the good ones, and forgiving when you run into the not so nice people. Its just a better way to do things because that way you are far more likely to find good friends and a happier life as you move forward.
Effort and Patience…just make the effort to change the things you can, and don’t expect changes overnight. Simply by making the effort to improve things, things absolutely improve, over time. And in the mean time? Find the things you can enjoy and share with others, no matter how small they might be, and share them. If you can make someone else smile, hold the door for them, tell a joke, talk to a friend when they need themselves need a friend, then in turn you will make yourself smile a lot more often. And in doing so, you might find a good and fun reason to keep going, even through the bad days.
I wish you the best my friend! 🙂
Thanks for your comment but I think you are missing the point. I suffer from PTSD and major depression both things that makes it impossible to just “go on and enjoy the world and see my friends”. I tried that many many times, and sometimes I do feel happy for a couple of hours but that does not compensate for my situation. I appreciate your concern but I don’t like to be lectured. I was raped as a 6 years old and I was abused all kinds of ways. So basically everything freaking day of my life I have the memories coming over and over of a bastard nearly killing me, I get the images and the feeling of not being able to move and being in so much pain I ll stop it any way possible. I have this images up to hundreds of times per hour every hour of my day. So much I don’t even know if I am still alive or not. Because of this I can’t concentrate on college stuff, because of that I hate my body even more. Because yes, I am trans which basically means I have a boys mind stuck in a very girly body and I have to live knowing this is going to be like this till the rest of my life. Because my parents are narcissists and they played mind games making me believe I was crazy, gaslighting me when I confronted them to all the fuck they told me. So do you still feel entitled to tell me to just trust people and that you don’t like my attitude. There is a reason why people are ready to go through so much pain to kill themselves. I am sorry for your brother, truly am, but right know I am in desperate need of compassion and all you seem to be enclined to give me is your judgment. And I need everything but that right now.
I relate horribly to a lot of what you are saying. I try to be strong on my own but I am getting weaker. You have to realize why and who did these terrible things to you and realize they are just human one by one. They are just your parents, they are possibly struggling themselves and you landed in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hopefully you can learn to avoid or change this evil side of them, to save you from further harm. Otherwise, you could just totally ignore it and practice forgetting and deep breathing. And when you finally need out if you can’t take anymore – the road goes on forever and the people all look the same. You could leave and never come back, you could get lost walking through the desert or along the beach. Bad things happen to lots of people everywhere and mostly harm brought to them from others. When you finally have enough, you can escape in other ways than death to give yourself more time. Most people are simply passing through anyway, I think they are called drifters. If anything, they are mostly friendly and stay out of the way. Instead of dying to escape, you could find a lonely or peaceful beach where the weather is perfect where you can heal your mind, soul, body and lose all bad and unwanted attention from others to practice building your reselience.
‘Most people think they are hanging themselves but nope, most are actually strangling themselves to death. And that’s a slow and painful way to go. The lungs slowly fill with blood and that is eventually what suffocates them, but that can take up to 3 or 4 days, hanging there, with the brain slowly dying and the person dying a terrible death.’
???
Geez, that’s he first Ive heard of that!
Where you get that from?
So, those people just hang around for 3-4 days in agonizing pain when they could just stand up and take the noose off to end the agony?
That’s some determination.
Im being sarcastic, Have to say that online….
I got the info first hand when I seen how my brother strangled slowly over a few days until he was dead.
Some die fast and some die slow. There are several factors, like what they hung themselves from? Many times they hang themselves in a way that they can’t free themselves from. And at some point the brain is no longer working well enough for them to know how to free themself, even if they could. At that point, still alive, the lungs begin to fill with blood…and it ends as I mentioned.
Does that mean everyone who hangs themselves dies slowly, absolutely not. But very few actually hang themselves, even when they believe they are. Actual hanging is very fast, but again, most only suffocate themselves to death, and that can be slow or fast depending on many factors. Personally I wouldn’t risk being one of the slow ones when better methods are available.
We are not supposed to talk methods here but though hanging is in fact very painful if you hang yourself at a high spot (kind of have a double ceiling and slats of wood) and you make the correct knot letting yourself fall from the chair you are standing on plus gravity breaks your neck or seriously damages it. In any case no human being survives 3-4 days, several hours if it goes wrong and I can’t imagine how long and hurting it would feel. But I had a rope and no other way so I did what I did because I had no fucking choice the pain was driving me nuts and I needed it to stop.
I get that. You’re right we aren’t. However if it’s an explanation as to why it’s a horrible idea to go that way, I feel it should be talked about because the thought of the pain and agony might make them not longer want to. I know that’s what’s been stopping me. The lack of a fool proof plan.
Life can be tremendously hard if life and/or other people have treated you wrongly. What you are writing seems very hurtfull. Yet, there must be a way to deal with it, maybe with medicine/therapy, a break from things, new surroundings. It seems to me that when you are having so much trouble in your mind, trying to graduate is not the thing to focus on now. Take a break. Figure this thing out. What you went through was awfull, but other people went through awfull things and came out of it, living a good life. Go to a specialised docter, ask about medicine, ask about therapy. find new surroundings if the actual one is giving you trouble.
And there is not an ugly side of you; there’s just you and its all fine. Everybody that went through all what you talked about shortly, would have trouble fighting the demons in their head. Dont let them win. Focus on getting your head straight, not anything else. One step at a time. And most of all… dont do it alone. Find help. Things do get better.