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Some kind of explanation

by hellomynameis2000

I know that when I kill myself at last, I will regret it when it’s too late. I’ve heard that many suicide survivors feel that way and I can feel that I would be one of them. I would die in regret. But if, on the other hand, I do not kill myself, I will most likely still want to die for the rest of my life. Suffering a whole (“natural”) lifetime through. I’m pretty sure, but I’m not entirely certain. Is keeping on living worth the (most likely) suffering? I would probably experience some positive moments too if I continue with life but it is nothing compared to the pain. I know that maybe I should not try to weigh the negative against the positive in this situation, they are different from each other and if I die, my only chance to experience those positive moments would be gone no matter how much pain it “costs”.

If I killed myself, I would also escape from the painful loneliness that I have experienced my whole life to a complete loneliness (death) instead. It is very contradictory but the complete loneliness of death is painless, the loneliness of life is not. I am a 18 years old too sensitive girl without enough energy and with a lack of social skills (which I have denied until recently but I just never learn). I do not want to grow old, it would feel like accepting the situation, giving in, but killing oneself should not be a social gesture. It does not work that way.

Otherwise, I’m very tired of being human and having a human psyche. Psychological never-ending needs and subconscious processes that I do (not so uniquely) share with every human in the world. In fact, my self-confidence is not that bad, even though it is one of the main symptoms of depression. I don’t necessarily feel worthless but I think the world is meaningless which also makes me meaningless since I’m a part of the world.

Based on all I know, I shouldn’t kill myself because after all, I really have nothing to lose from living on. If so, it’s already lost and then there is no consequences to my past/earliest childhood which tbh I don’t want to erase in living on. I don’t have to die. But I don’t think I CAN not die. My brain is wrong-wired. I don’t succeed at anything anymore and it hurts so much mentally that I get hurt in my physical body and some days I can barely even walk. My instinct is to kill myself. Suicide is a strange phenomenon.

One last thing that pains me about suicide is how much I have struggled through my life to feel better. I have even lowered my hopes to be satisfied with just feeling almost ok but I still fail to find any stability in the almost-ok-state-of-mind. I have wanted and tried and fought and believed that it is possible to recover with all of my heart and pushed my way through disappointment after disappointment but my brain seems to be a hopeless case. Willpower and determination is not enough. I can’t handle this pain.

I apologize for my poor English (I skipped most days of high school but it was still too much for me /always exhausted)

2 comments
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2 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/31/2019 - 1:18 am

Just don’t 🙂

Yikrens 10/31/2019 - 8:04 am

You would do better with trying to get a Coffee on some Days, if the town you are in, you’ll get decent social Skills there.
Sadly, you’ll also fall to easy for some People who are able to put you in places where nobody sees your euphoria or the satisfaction that you’ll learn to need.
Suicide is horrible and I see no way that it should be needed in anyone its Life. Although, Death Assistance is needed as you can need a good Friend anyway.

Face that higher knowledge and skills is more than a common Life and Lifestyle that we can read anywhere and that it is more suffer than any Life else. Especially my Religion is kind of an Lifelong Competition, but I can not speak solely for yours.

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