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I was just a bad dream

by autumn_

An open letter. 

I miss you. 

I know you probably won’t see this. I know we’re over. I know there’s no more pieces left for me to pick up. I never got to say these words but here I’am now.

This is for you. This is for the unsaid feelings that I’ve left behind along with the memory of you.

You don’t deserve someone who breaks your heart every now and then. I could’ve been better. We could’ve been more. We could’ve. But we chose not to. I’ve had my reasons and you’ve had yours. I’m sorry. For the times that things were piling up for all of you and I didn’t want to cause more fire. I wish for all of you to be well.

I’ve always said to the universe, “give me everything they would inflict on themselves.” While being completely aware that I couldn’t handle it. That even though I didn’t love myself just let me love these people enough.

Because in the end it wasn’t about you, it was about myself. I couldn’t give myself the peace of mind that you always wanted to give. Even though you loved me more than enough, I couldn’t love myself enough. And that’s on me. And that was it.

That was the life I wasted because for me, I thought it was a waste to put that kind of life on me. And whatever your reasons might be, I understand and I know someday you’ll understand mine too.

I was always hoping and telling the sky or to whomever that was listening about you. I kept saying that, “Give him someone that wouldn’t make him stay up all night wondering what he did wrong. Don’t give him someone who would make him think that he’s not enough. Give him someone that is the opposite of me. Give him someone that was everything that I wasn’t and everything I should have been.

I wish the next time you take a gamble, I wish you wouldn’t stop other people for loving you and I hope you don’t stop yourself from loving. And I hope you could love again without setting limits on yourself and setting limits to the one that loves you dearly just because it was for the best, because its what good for them. What about you stupid?

I wish you’d find someone that would love you more. And you’d love without any hesitations because that’s what you deserve.

The sad part is, I didn’t get to say that I needed you. And a part of me still do.

I was always trying to be independent even in a relationship but there were times I still wanted to lose myself in you but I couldn’t because I already did. Not to you but to my own.

I hope the next time we choose to love. Let it be the love that we always wanted to give. Let it be to the fullest. Thank you for loving me at times I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for staying even though we almost had no reason to stay in each other’s lives.

I loved you.

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3 comments

cRAPppy 1/18/2020 - 9:16 pm

I wish that man could hear or see this…

I wish I was that man… If that man really love you that much. I know he is dying inside right now. Thinking what went wrong and ending up blaming himself. ‘Cause he loves you. Perhaps…

autumn_ 1/19/2020 - 1:30 am

Perhaps. A part of me wishes that he doesn’t see any of this. A part of me do. It was supposed to be a special day for us today. Anyways, I also wish for the love that you deserve, the one that makes you feel enough for yourself and for that person :))

Cosmos_ 2/8/2020 - 11:20 am

Update,,, 🙁 Whoever that guy is, Maybe it hurts for him too. You’ll both be bound to something you deserve soon

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