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18 hours of sleep

by Virus.Found

Have you ever kept the seriousness of your mental state to yourself.? Just to finally open up to a person and they’re not being understanding whatsoever.? Yeah, well. That happened to me tonight.

It’s night and I’m miserable. I’ve told my friend, that they have not been there at all, when I needed them to be. And I understand, that they are busy and I’ve been ever so patient. But it only goes so far, you know.? I’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. I’ve just slept 18 hours straight. I’ve reached out to many people, just to get nothing back in return. Isn’t that already a sign, that I should just STOP.?

My friend hit me with reality, when I was contemplating to end my life… This doesn’t help. This helps no one. It made me feel even worse and I wished, I had just shut up and not said anything. I feel like my emotions have just shut down for today. I don’t understand, what is happening around me, I can only hear a wave inside of me. I’m not really here. And I’m not really anywhere else. I just want it to be done already…

I was so desperate, as to reach out for the first time to a suicide prevention hotline. But I didn’t want to talk on the phone, I wanted to chat with someone. And guess what.? They have appointments for that… Just. What the f@ck.?! You can’t even rely on those people then, good to know.

I’ve layed down on my cold floor, trying to somehow calm down. And two minutes later, a fly kept buzzing next to my ear. I kept trying to make it go away, but it wouldn’t. It’s almost comical.? So I couldn’t even do that. Maybe the fly wanted me to get up and do something else instead. I was just sitting numb in a corner before.

Now I’m watching ‘Life is Strange’. I hope I can just zone out for a few hours. I don’t know what to do anymore… This world makes everyone become so busy, that we forget about each other.

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4 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 8/12/2020 - 10:08 pm

I understand that feeling. It makes it incredibly difficult to want to ever reach out again and it can really hurt a relationship when you were looking for that understanding.
It’s hard though, I have found some understanding people but even that doesn’t really mean they can fix anything. It is nice to be able to talk about it a little bit though.
Good luck with the zoning out part.

Virus.Found 8/13/2020 - 2:30 am

Thank you for answering and wishing me luck, it means a lot to me.! I’ve somehow zoned out and will sleep now. I hope tomorrow will be better. It just has to be…

- 8/13/2020 - 8:52 am

Wow yes it was to the point that I thought if I came out to someone they couldn’t possibly not understand, I had never even once contemplated that they would not understand what I said, and yet they were so stupid they somehow managed to frustrate me even further. Nice post, everything.

Teresa's Child 8/13/2020 - 12:56 pm

Absolutely. It’s not worth it anymore.

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