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I want to …, okay? Okay.

by Virus.Found

I want to die, the second that I wake up and realize where and who I am. I want to die, checking my zero messages on my phone from my friends. I want to die, listening to a gloomy song on loop, while brushing my teeth. I want to die, when I eat breakfast at 8 pm, even when I have cake in front of me. I want to die, trying to distract myself from this urgent feeling, by watching YouTube.

I want to die, when I crave for coffee and feel short happiness imagining the taste in my mouth. I want to die, standing on the balcony on a cool night, wearing not thick enough clothes. I want to die, finally talking to friends and them being disappointing as fuck, because somewhere in between I’ve imagined, how they are supposed to treat me. I want to die, when I turn off my phone and forget about everyone while I dissociate from my own self.

I want to die, because I think I’m pathetic for being this way and not being able to think ‘happy’. I want to die, while I repeat words like: pathetic, loser, emotional wreck in my mind. I want to die, whenever I made a plan to do something that’s fun and then doing it for five minutes and being upset, that it wasn’t fun as it used to be. I want to die, when I look at the clock to see, how I just wasted another day doing nothing and feeling miserable.

I want to die, when I get tired and am not ready to accept that this day is over yet. I want to die, so I can immediately fall asleep and not be up thinking of silly things that went wrong all my life. There may be seconds I don’t want to die. But that’s not enough to lead a healthy life. Does anybody die daily just like I do.? I’m so done… And I tell everyone that and no one understands, how serious I am.

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7 comments

blank 10/11/2020 - 6:11 pm

Yeah it’s just the same messed up song and dance on repeat every day. Think am beyond the point of even getting upset at any of it so much anymore though. Just a long droning empty sort of existence and no idea how to turn it around. I don’t think there is even time left for me to turn it around here. Too behind everyone else. Too fucked. I don’t have anyone or anything. It’s like what’s this even for other than to feel an avalanche of regret? So I guess it’s like the soul is dying daily. Idk.

Are the fun things that aren’t as fun as they used to be still any fun at all?

Virus.Found 10/11/2020 - 11:13 pm

‘Too behind’, you’ve said it. But that’s not even the worst.. the worst is, knowing you’ll always be behind and you can just try as hard as you want. Does anybody even have the time to change something in their life’s.? You could and then some shit gets thrown at you and that’s that. Such a random and unpredictable construct. So why even bother.?
No.. nothing’s fun anymore really..

- 10/11/2020 - 7:31 pm

I got past this point a long long long time ago

Virus.Found 10/11/2020 - 11:15 pm

I was, then I got up this year and now it starts all over again..

- 10/11/2020 - 11:33 pm

No offense to your situation, but I meant past as in fell beyond, not got over

mountaingoat 10/11/2020 - 7:32 pm

Gotta realize these thoughts are just thoughts, and not actually the self or even a complete description of whatever it is they are about anyways.

Virus.Found 10/11/2020 - 11:18 pm

Thoughts are heavy and deadly, so they can’t be ‘just thoughts’. Otherwise I and others wouldn’t struggle like that.

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