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Emotional pain is destroying my heart

by Patheticloser
    My past is full of horrible memories. I am mentally disabled and many people took advantage of that. Many people did absolutely horrible things to me, such as sexual abuse and bullying and got away with it. I wasn’t even aware what was being done to me. Now I am older and understand how things work, I just can’t let go of the things that happened to me. I deeply hate the people who did this to me. There is no way get back at them and that’s why I have cptsd. I am in deep emotional pain and stress.

    This stress is fucking up my heart. My heart is about to give up, I am living with a resting heart rate of 100 bpm for 1 year. Doesn’t matter if I kill myself or stay alive, I am gonna die anyway because of my heart. I really wish the concept of God or Karma was true, but it isn’t. I just can’t believe these people will live their lives without any consequences. I wish I was never born.

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5 comments

Virus.Found 11/5/2020 - 2:46 pm

That sounds truly awful… Not sound like it, it IS awful. Unfortunately people either take advantage of you, or don’t realize hurting you. Have you seen a doctor about this heart-thing.? When I’m in immense stress, I notice my heart bumping against my chest. No, there will probably never be consequences to any of them. If some of them get sick I always say: Don’t worry, assholes don’t die, they’ll live. Meanwhile kind-hearted people get cancer. (So many around me, it’s just not fair…)

Patheticloser 11/6/2020 - 12:06 am

If I go for treatments, then the doctors will ask why am I so stressed mentally. They will find about my past and I don’t think any doctor will allow such a mentally scarred person like me to stay in society. They will probably lock me up and send me to some kind of asylum. I would rather die.

I really don’t know why the world is so messed up. Yes, for the average person life isn’t so bad. But there is the 0.0001% of the population who are like me, they have mental conditions that ruin their lives. From what I have seen, if you are an easy enough target, everyone will use you one way or another. This is just the way humans are. I haven’t met anyone in my life who didn’t hurt me in some way. There is no point in hating them or cursing them as they practically invincible, nothing seems to deter them from living their wonderful lives.

I really don’t know what to do from here. So many people say stuff like ‘karma is a *****’ but I never saw anything bad happen to anyone who scarred me. Do I really want to live in a fucked up world where anything can happen if you are unfortunate enough?

wa8ing4death 11/6/2020 - 12:11 pm

I am truly sorry to hear your situation. This world is shit. I also don’t believe in God or karma, but I really hope that those dicks get what they deserve.

Specter 11/7/2020 - 9:56 pm

Really strange that I would come across your post right now. I don’t visit this site much anymore. I just had my second recent panic attack last night where my heart sped up, mouth went dry, and I was up all night trying to convince myself I wasn’t dying. And now I’m sitting here probably pushing towards an anxiety attack again, with my blood pressure rising as I think about someone who abused me earlier this year and I was so afraid with the virus stuff going on and other health issues in my life that I didn’t fight back. And then I connect that back to bullying earlier in life and other things.

Seconds before finding your post I was basically at my desk coming to the same conclusions, there really is no goodness in this world, no justice is ever coming for those who did wrong, I followed what I was told to do in life and was kind even to people who were unkind to me, and my life has been nothing but punishment and loneliness because of it. And now like you I am starting to realize my constant level of stress is going to tear me apart. I would give anything right now for a time machine or a magic wish to go back to the event earlier this year that traumatized me. As usual I cowered, I tried to be kind to someone who was threatening me in the moment, and these days it obsesses me. I am so mad at myself. Finally, so late in life, I am realizing the BS of how I was told to be in life, and that I should have defended myself. I can try to hope that I had to experience these awful things to learn this lesson and maybe there is something coming in my future where I am finally going to know how to react because of how I was harmed before. I would like to believe that, but that still doesn’t take away the pain of the past events that I can’t change.

It’s amazing how the evil people just continue to win. Even when they are long gone from my life, the anxiety and shame and effects it has had on my life just continues to score points for them while I head for death before 40.

I’m not sure where this will lead me. It feels like 2 choices right now, either I am totally going to fall apart and this stress is going to end me, or if I continue forward it seems like I’m going to become a very angry and defensive person because I have finally shaken off this fairytale of being good to others and I’m not willing to stand still while people strike me anymore. Although I can already see the folly in that; some day in the future I’ll probably be regretting a moment where I lashed out at someone when I shouldn’t have…. which funny enough sounds to me like ANOTHER victory for the abusers, if I start to become a vicious person because of what was done to me, then it’s just MORE losing for me.

But I mainly just wanted to reply and say it was surprising to see a post from someone at this moment saying pretty much the same thing. I know it all seems futile, but all I can tell you for resting heart rate etc is that maybe you need more physical activity to process out this stress. Obviously it doesn’t work 100% because I am still having panic attacks, but most days I will either lift weights or go for a long bike ride, and if nothing else it is a useful dump for stress and energy and maybe if you exhaust yourself with something physical it will help calm you down in other hours of the day. All this anxiety and stress builds up like a toxin and if on top of it you don’t do anything to use up some energy, it just gets worse.

Evil wins in this world. Abuse wins in this world. I can see why people need to gravitate towards belief systems about how there will be a reward in the next life or that we are still technically on the “right side”. I’m ready to start telling myself those things as a way to cope, if only I could get myself to really believe it.

Patheticloser 11/8/2020 - 5:42 am

Damn, that’s a big wall of text. First of all thanks for taking the time to write all that. I had online classes today so I am a bit late getting back to you. Hope you still read this.

I can totally relate with thinking about the past and getting blood pressure increase. It’s something that I do on a regular basis now. I already know that the past is past and there’s no point in thinking about it, but my mind just connects everything to my past. That’s how scarred I am mentally. I am currently studying engineering but I fucked up that also because I can no longer think clearly without thinking about what was done to me. It’ s like I am completely broken and I have no hope that my mind will ever heal. My future looks really horrible as there is no way I can get employed with mental conditions like mine.

I spend most of my time watching tv shows. I try to forget my past by thinking from the perspective of the protagonist in tv shows. I watch shows like Dexter, Hannibal and fantasize being smart and intimidating as the protagonists in those shows. No one would mess with me if i was like them. I guess if I was at least a normal person, most people would leave me alone. But I am mentally disabled and people easily pick up on my weaknesses and find ways to hurt me and derive pleasure from it.

My family taught me to me kind to everyone. Just like you, I have learned very late in life that being nice to everyone is stupid. We should only be nice to people who deserve it. If someone gives me shit, the fucker needs to pay. If I don’t fight back, it gonna get even worse. But always fighting back isn’t the answer either, bullies also get pleasure when they seen response from the victim. You need to have something that can scare them, make you appear as a threat to them. Only then they stop. I am a short guy, about 5’9” and most people aren’t gonna be intimidated by my body. I want to gain a lot of muscle so that people at least think twice before messing with me, but I can’t afford a healthy diet now. Without proper food, just working out doesn’t do much.

You don’t have to feel bad for being defensive. It’s just our past experiences telling us to smarten up. If people are hurting you and you are not defending, it will not stop. I agree that you shouldn’t lash out at every single person who does something bad, but there has to be a balance. It depends on the situation.

I am also surprised to see that we have much in common after reading your reply. You mention physical activity. It would be a really good idea to reduce my heart rate. But my situation is probably already beyond repair. Even when I am doing heavy physical work, my mind still focuses on my past. Also, I am poor and live in a area where it’s not possible to arrange long runs or bike rides. I try to do as much I can by staying indoors, but it’s not doing enough I guess.

Evil and good confuses me. Nature is ugly if you think about it, animals eat each other, eats their own babies and compete against each other for survival. It’s just the way things work. Only the strongest survive. It upsets me, makes me want to just make everything disappear. I wish this world wan’t like this. Everything is just so chaotic.

I also spent quite some time writing all this, I enjoyed replying to you. Maybe we can chat about our issues online if you want?

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