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Forewarning: this post may contain triggers for victims of sexual assault, drug addiction, homelessness, domestic violence, self harm.

Resilience has always been my ally. I first posted to this forum for help when I was 12. To be completely honest , I’m a little surprised to be writing this right now.

Unfortunately, although my resilience got me this far (I’m to turn 23 on January, the 5th), I’m struggling to see beyond the current moment, unless I want to feed the intrusive thoughts and disgust that I feel. I can’t fake positivity and I don’t have the energy to pursue real happiness. I feel like some sick dramatization of a malnourished ivory lab rat. It’s ruby eyes dancing wildly through a maze, that I never willingly entered. And, I’m to feel selfish for wanting out?

I’ve been unemployed since April 2020. Since then, I’ve done whatever I could to make sure I kept myself off the streets again. I ended up living in a barn for three months outside of Portland OR. To my perplexity, I somehow managed to keep my estrogen levels relatively stable during that time. And, was able to avoid any major mental breakdowns. Despite jumping off a bridge, an awkward family reunion and getting attacked by 4 people in a parking lot… the summer seemed pretty normal. I was fortunate enough to move into a cozy house with 3 friends. I really love it here but, I get denied nearly every job that I apply for. Most of the time, when I do get selected for a position, I’m turned away before even starting due to my criminal background (from 3 years ago) when I was shooting meth and heroin.

Side note: After over dosing a handful of times and realizing I had hope, I was able to gather myself and save enough money to move to PDX and escape my old circles.

Sorry… as I was saying. Finding work has been tough. I started doing full service sex work without telling my boyfriend because, I know he doesn’t have the money and if I don’t pay my rent, I’ll have to move back to where my corruption started. Where everyone knows me as a boy turned woman. And, I know that he isn’t attached enough for a distanced relationship.

Onyx (background) skip if my love life doesn’t interest you??: I met onyx a year ago after breaking things off with a ridiculously abusive partner. This past partner went as far as to pour lube on my head and spit in my face (because I refused sex), pushed me in front of a moving vehicle and spread my contact information and social media on Reddit. Following this final stab, I received hours of call after call and man after man asking me for a $20 blowjob or threatening to come to my address and kill me for being trans. I was feeling pretty low and living in a mold covered apartment with no real path in sight. And then Onyx popped in. I felt excited to wake up and found myself full of energy even if the day was long. But, this was short lived and he slowly clued me in on Nicolette. She’s everything I could’ve possibly wanted to be at that time and couldn’t possibly  achieve over night. Things got muddy and he ended up ghosting me to continue his relationship with her. During these months I worked at a sex club and was raped at work multiple times. I tried telling a co-worker and they told me it was my fault because I didn’t yell for help. A few months later, Oynx and Nicolette broke up and I was seeing someone else. But, on the same exact mf day that I broke up with that person, Onyx texted me after 3 months of silence. I debated ignoring him but, I just couldn’t. And now, we’re still together but, I feel so alone in the relationship. And with the secret  sex work, I just can’t see a future for us. And when I try to be a good girlfriend, it just feels fake. I asked him about monogamy and he basically said it would hurt him if I was seeing anyone else but, he shouldn’t be expected to love me forever…

Which means, I’ll have to handle my new job moving bodies for a morgue, practically by myself with no solid support system. Moving. Bodies. …

I’ve seen relatives in caskets, best friend died in her car and 3 people have tried to commit suicide in front of me. The first one was bloody. The second was drug related. And, the third was probably the worst. So, I’ll leave it at that.

and I’ve attempted with intent to kill, 3 times myself.

I don’t want this career to ruin my sanity. I know I need a therapist but, I don’t like meds or trusting strangers. And, I want to be with Onyx but, when I try to talk to him about what’s going on and how I feel, he just checks out and tells me that my feelings are my responsibility. I just wish he would take the time to deal with me. I’m supposed to go back to where I’m from in 2 days to see my aunt; for the holidays. I’m hoping the trip with be a sort of refuge so I can gather my thoughts and decide if this shit is actually worth it to me anymore. Until then I guess.?? And thank you for bearing with the mess; if you have. I appreciate you.-MustardTea


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theo 12/21/2020 - 6:48 pm

Wow, interesting character 🙂 bet it’s easy for you to make friends – it should be anyway. Why not move away from all of this in your life? It’s hard to do that- but everything will feel right for you / even love. I’m sorry you went through so much trauma in a field that’s meant to emphasize expression and freedom

theo 12/21/2020 - 6:53 pm

I couldn’t handle a morgue either. My relationship with my spirituality is not all there right now. Jesus christ, you’re pulling through so much you don’t like.

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