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My heart died one year ago

by brokenHeartGirl

We had an agreement, telling each other when being unfaithful. But finding out when you are on the other side of the world, destroyed me. I should have taken the flight back home, interrupting all this shit and not cling to him when he is the reason my world falls apart. So stupid, so naïve. Thinking it was all a dream and today I am still with him. And I hate myself for this, not being resolute. Since then, every day a piece of me and my trust dies. He loves me, I love him but he’s just not good for me, for my mind, for my soul, for my confidence. But I can’t say goodbye either to him or to my life. So here I am, fighting every day against my fear of losing the love of my life to the fight inside me.

8 comments
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8 comments

villa christina 12/20/2020 - 5:29 pm

I’ve been there too and it sucks. Are you committed to staying with him, or are you trying to break it off? That’s the first thing you should clear up in your mind.

If you decide you are going to stay with him, then the best strategy is to convince yourself that his cheating was no big deal. But you have to really believe it.

And of course if you decide you need to break it off, then I’d say the best course of action is the direct one. Like ripping off a bandaid in one swoop. It’ll hurt but it beats the slow painful torture.

brokenHeartGirl 12/21/2020 - 5:57 am

It’s both. At one moment I wanna cheat, gain experience, but the next moment I fall in love all over again. I know that there will be other good stuff. But I am scared of all the changes, like being alone. I never experienced anything else for 5.5 years. We complete each other and I loved the idea of living my life with him.
But every message that pops up at his phone, I am like omg what if they are writing again (there are still in contact and someday they gonna meet). She was supposed to visit him in May, but Corona … so the day, they visit each other, I believe I will run. So I am kinda waiting on external signs.

villa christina 12/21/2020 - 11:11 am

omg they’re still in contact and planning to meet?? ok then I really think you need to protect yourself. And I totally understand the fear of being alone. So maybe the answer is to stay with him, for now, but start disconnecting yourself emotionally so you can easily get free of him when it’s time. Little things like stop saying “I love you”. Make other friends (male if possible). Or like you said, even cheat. It’s not like he deserves any better. In other words… do whatever it takes to protect yourself from him.

Robert77 12/21/2020 - 1:53 am

If you are not married then run as fast and far as you can. This person will never change. My wife still cheated even after 25 years of marriage and the last time finished my heart off permanently I think. 2 years so far and I haven’t even come close to healing from what she did for more times than I want to know. She was a serial cheater. I regret ever seeing her face. Its just not worth it to stay with a cheater. It never ends well.

theo 12/21/2020 - 7:04 pm

I’d distance myself and do self- care ~ lightly flirt, reassure yourself because you must be really hurting.

I wouldn’t cheat or do anything that makes you feel bad about yourself. Even bad arguing. It only sets you up to stay longer. Relationships shouldn’t be about power anyway. And him, he’s a pos / good luck with that one – that type of cheating is about maturity – he’ll never change

Abandoned 12/22/2020 - 1:25 am

I’m confused by the problem. It sounds like you agreed to have an open relationship.

“We had an agreement, telling each other when being unfaithful.”

brokenHeartGirl 12/22/2020 - 3:14 am

No sorry, it was not really an open relationship. We had an agreement to tell each other right away if something happens. I did, he didn’t. He lied into my face 5 months and pretended that nothing happens between them. He also didn’t make time to call me. The thing was that in this past month, I have never trusted so hard before. And I felt so shady because I thought I was the one who destroyed our relationship but turned out he started earlier. And after all, he did, he gave me no choice to say NO to our vacations.

theo 12/23/2020 - 4:00 pm

God that sucks

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