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Digging Up Memories

by Virus.Found

Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.

Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.

Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve saved me from so much freaking misery. I should just accept, that no one will ever be interested in me. That people go out of their way, to just turn their backs on me, the second I begin to feel a friendship forming.

Just now, I’ve received a response from a girl, that I used to call ‘Kitsune’. At least, I thought it was her, according to her profile info, I was almost sure. It wasn’t her… Meaning, I have no anchor point, to search her up somewhere to talk. I just want one last talk with her, to ask how she’s doing… We were so close.

However I did have one good thing coming to me. Someone did actually reach out. I haven’t talked to that person for at least 5 years. But yet, it felt like no time has passed… She’s the only one, who gives me a little reason to think, that I’m not utter trash. My demons tell me, I should embrace it as long as I can. Because there will come a time, she’ll also be uninterested in me. She’ll get tired of being the smile of my day. Yeah, she will. You just wait and let me post yet another disappointment here.

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6 comments

theo 1/23/2021 - 10:44 pm

I’m like that, too. I like familiarity more. It’s hard for me to reach out to new people. It’s scary.
Are you afraid of trying new people?

Virus.Found 1/26/2021 - 12:51 am

No, Theo it’s not scary to me. Up until I’ve met jerks and now I’ve given up.

niki 1/24/2021 - 12:49 am

I can somewhat relate. Everybody seems to already leave me because they see me as “that depressed pathetic loser”. I’m just thankful that at least I still have few friends who still stay by my side & still contact me quite often, so at least it feels a bit less lonely. Although it still really hurts of how 99% people (& friends) from my ‘happy’ past all now seems to leave, ignore me. Nobody likes nor wants to befriend with depressed (& “negative”) person. Sad but true reality.

Virus.Found 1/26/2021 - 12:54 am

That’s exactly my situation. I’m not left with nobody but they might as well do so, because I’ll always be that pathetic friend and I do feel guilty about it. I guess I wanted someone new, who doesn’t know that side of me. It is true unfortunately.. I’ve said the exact same words to someone, that nobody likes sad people, which is why I cover it up by being extremely cheerful. And she was like: You’re not into depressed shet, some people are, it doesn’t fit you.
Haha, if only she knew :’)

Abnormal.Thoughts 1/26/2021 - 8:31 am

It’s such a dark secret to keep. It shouldn’t be, but your right, as soon as people see through the facade it scares them and they distance themselves. I’ve never been one to have many friends anyways but I lose the few I have all the same. Alternately, they might find out I’m suicidal, have an awkward conversation, then pretend that it never happened. It’s lonely when you can’t be open.
Best wishes.

Soda 1/27/2021 - 6:05 am

When it came to friendships I learned at a young age that you need to start off with a large group and then form a core group of friends who’ll be there over the long haul. I was proven right over time.

I lost a bunch of friends mostly because they moved, went to different schools, our interests diverged, or I had a falling out. When the dust settled, I had a handful of a few wonderful people (in high school) who were at my level and enjoyed the same sports and interests that I did.

But going to university reset that board so I basically had to start from scratch. The friends you make later in life usually aren’t as committed. Though I fortunately lucked out again. Humor and shared experiences is a really strong glue that keeps friendships going.

I don’t have many friends but they’re quality people and we’ve all made it clear that we don’t want to lose anyone in our group.

As for making new friends, you’re totally right. It’s very difficult to do when you’re older and people can smell desperation and it turns them off.

The best way to make new friends is to join clubs or groups where you have a common interest. If you’re lucky you might hit it off and go from there. You could try social media sites but I think they’re generally pretty crap.

One time we tried meeting as a group and I realized they were not people I wanted to know IRL. Keep trying though as there are others in your situation.

I myself have wanted to expand my circle a bit, it’s also good insurance if you lose others in your life. I might try to reconnect with some high school friends but most of them have moved far away.

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