I keep trying to do better with my life. I keep getting kicked back down. I took a huge step back (or step forward) and bought rope which I haven’t tied yet. I keep thinking more and more about a bridge about an hour from me that is a popular spot for jumpers. The fall is not what scares me it’s what my family will think about me if I do this. I have no notes written at this point and don’t know if I will. Just tired of this life that I have been dealt. My kids deserve better than this they truly do.
4 comments
What if you tell your family that you’ve had a breakdown and you need to check yourself into a mental health clinic? There are non-profit clinics around the country (assuming you’re in the USA) where it doesn’t cost you anything. I was involuntarily sent to one, but it wasn’t that bad. It helped keep me going another year. If you’re leaving a family especially kids behind, why not try every option?
Your kids may deserve better, but I’m telling you right now, having a late parent is far from any kind of “better” situation. Keep holding on. From the worries you’ve stated, I can tell you love them. I assure you that seeing their parent do something that says “I need help right now, and that’s okay” will inspire them greatly. It’s okay to be in pain. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to need treatment. I’ve been raised in a household where healing is a top priority, emotional or physical, and it’s one of the biggest reasons that I’ve been so receptive to treatment and mental health. You’ve gotten so far. I believe in you. I’m proud of you.
I have to second what thebends and system say, you might think your kids “deserve better”, but leaving them and this life behind might not be better for them (nor for yourself). If you can do try to seek out for help first, no shame in doing that, and the fact that you’re writing here makes me think that deep down that’s what you want to do (might be wrong tho).
I think that you should do whatever you want. Trust yourself