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I’ve Got Troubled Thought’s

by JudgeMeNot

 I’ve lost important social traits. Emotions that are key to expressing the inner heart and soul of one’s self. Isolation has destroyed my hope of finding friends, a lover and being more involved with my family. I don’t know how to feel.. I’m not numb. I’m just not completely aware.

My Grandmother, who I live with and been a caretaker for 6 years is really pushing me to get a better Job. I have an average job that pays minimum wage. Its decent cash and it keeps me somewhat busy yet its not enough for her to back off. Its never good enough, but it is for me. I might just need to tell a 86 year old to back the fuck off or ill paint her bedroom walls Red with myself.

The same situations come up with much worse Anxiety/Stress than before. Pleasing others is all I do. Submissive and weak. I pay bills, and save money, clean credit and work hard with what I can adapted too. Not enough. Nope. Time is what I fear. My head is fogged with plans of buying a gun if it comes to it. I don’t know what I want or need. Deep Breaths…

 

 

 

 

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5 comments

Mf 2/10/2021 - 6:28 am

Dealing with an 80+ relative is tricky… if i’ve learned something on these last few years (my grandma is also in her 80s) is that you’re never going to please them and they’ll always be right, so i just make her think she’s right so she gets off my back. Easier said than done, it gets somewhat more manageable when you realize there’s no point in fighting that battle, but you can actually dance around it.

And yeah, you don’t need to be submissive and please others all the time to be accepted, the way of getting real social skills back is dealing with people “normally” as in: you’re worth no more and no less than them. Keep in mind “adapted” just means that you can function properly, everyone is a world and has their own quirks.

Maybe you don’t know what you want or need, but do you know what you don’t want, and don’t need? sometimes doing it that way works to find more about yourself, works for some people.

JudgeMeNot 2/10/2021 - 7:56 pm

Hey great insight. thanks for sharing your views. Venting to the right people helps a bit when i really need it.

darkwillow 2/10/2021 - 6:10 pm

I would lie and say something like “they gave me a dollar raise and said they’d raise it again in 3 months.” Maybe then she’ll leave you alone. Unless she has a way to look at your paychecks.
Especially if you’re happy with your job. It’s rare for someone not to hate work.

JudgeMeNot 2/10/2021 - 7:58 pm

Not a bad thought. Yeah I might have to lie to keep her away from asking. Being honest isn’t always what people think hah. My negativity is my positivity if that makes sence.

Robert77 2/10/2021 - 9:37 pm

Put on some headphones and listen to some tunes and tune her out. My grandma was that way also. I was never good enough for her and always a failure even when I was very successful.

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