making peace with the void

this afternoon I started to pull up. Not significantly, there’s still no hope. The thing is, it doesn’t matter. I’m not invested in hope, it’s those other poor suckers. Tough luck for them, huh? Oh well, that’s life, and often enough death.

The metaphor I keep coming to is trying to make sense and come to peace with my prison. Granted I am technically a free man. Yet, I have no representation in government, nor freedom of movement, or even the freedom to do as I please with the things I own. I am as kept as an ambitious young man can be… and that’s the way it is. We can’t start working on anything until we identify conditions.

So the possession that in fact possesses me is my home. In it lies my entire life savings, with the exception of my possessions. It’s also a house that I bought with my EX-wife, and her name is on the mortgage. We’ve been paying on it for ten years, my family that is. She hasn’t financially contributed in a decade. Yet, that’s not how finances work. Why would they? Making sense is for math, or engineering. For the economy the job is to motivate, and I am excessively motivated to get out of this house. The worst years of my life were spent within these walls. Further, many of my problems are actually local. The big issue is that I can’t invest in people here, because I want to leave. I’ve never actually chosen to live here, that is in this state. My parents moved here when I was seven and I took a near instant dislike to it. It wavered during my first marriage, there’s one thing I’ll give my guards, they like to give the impression that the economy is growing…. I guess it is, it’s all government welfare which for the life of me I can’t understand why we can’t give our poor and needy…. Something about owning a business makes you the saddest and most destitute of all creatures, and who would help you if you didn’t buy a senator or two? Not your workers, you make their life hell to shave a few cents off the price of production.

Anyway, the point is that it is prison, but unlike most prisoners I do have some freedom of thought and viewing matter. I can choose my diet, both metaphorically and literally. If there is one thing I’ve learned about wanting something desperately, it is that going after it directly is a big mistake. The way to get things in this world is to find something better to do with your time, then make the world attempt to sell you it’s BS. Eventually it will come to a reasonable financial arrangement, you buy your freedom and VOOM, like a cat out of an aquaduct.

Ah, but there are always advantages to knowing the size of your imprisonment. As I learn that, I learn who the guards are. I’m a persuasive fella, when I want to be. I’m willing to bet I can persuade my way out. There is no prison that can truly hold a determined person. Just so, there is no unbreakable cypher, or bulletproof security. This knowledge of the lack of absolutes in a world where absolutes are assumed could be a tremendous asset to buying my freedom.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I have a lovely wife, some sweet puppies, and a warm place to sleep on this bitterly cold night. I’m going to call that enough. Also, tax return is round the corner, and that may be quite useful.