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Things are going well, yet…

by StrangeSunset

I have been both depressed and mentally ill for as long as I can remember. Despite this, I have managed in my late 20’s to have a stable career, a place of my own, and even decent bonds with friends. On the surface I have “made it” or at least I should feel that way, yet I still want to end my life every single day.

I wake up to go to work, a job I actually like doing and pays well, and yet I look myself in the eye and think “Why am I even bothering?” Every day feels about the same: wake up, work for 12 hours, go home, maybe play a video game, sleep. On a day off I’ll try to hang out with a friend but that’s not too common and I usually have to clean my living space on those off days as well.

I know, I’m such an awful human to feel this way despite having what some wish they could have, kinda makes me feel even worse than I already feel. But life just feels so empty, cold, and sterile.

I’ve become jaded over the years to this suicidal feeling, never enough to want to pull it off (barring a few bad days I had a few months ago) but never gone, like a tiny splinter in my toe.

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blue_dude15 2/27/2021 - 12:56 am

Nah, you`re not an awful human for feeling like you do, despite having a job, place to live, good friends etc. It`s completely normal for people to be depressed despite having a ‘successful’ life. I`m sorry I don`t have anything else to say, but I hope things get better for you

chinadoll4 2/27/2021 - 9:59 pm

Is it at all possible to cut your work hours down? 12 hours is nuts! It won’t solve all your problems, but having more free time can be a game-changer. If not, that’s fine, too. It’s not my place to tell you how to live your life, and you’re obviously still making time for yourself by playing games or doing whatever else you feel like when you get home from work.

It’s good that you have that structured stuff, like the good house and friends. We might not have a reason to live, but enjoying what we do have is probably good from a mental standpoint.

I hope that one day I’ll have what you do, but please don’t feel guilty for having things that others don’t. Sure, people might get jealous, or you might feel like you don’t deserve good things, but at the same time that I hope for what you have, I’m also cheering you on for “making it.”

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